Heartfelt Thanks…

I am overwhelmed.  I can’t think straight.  My world seems to be spinning into outer space.  I have so much to write.  So little time.  I have so many demands on me right now, I can’t breathe.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I have so much to say, so much to purge, so much to vomit up onto my computer screen, but the countdown is on.  I want so badly to catch up and make sense of what is happening to me and around me.  I want to wake up from this nightmare and know that this is not really happening.  But that will never happen.

What I want to do more than anything is thank everyone for all their prayers.  All the kind words, the encouraging remarks, the laughter, the hugs, the hand holding-in spirit and in person.  I have wanted to respond to each and everyone one of you that has posted comments.  If I make it out of this, I will–I promise.  I can’t tell you how much it has meant in my darkest moments to come back and know that there is goodness and kindness in this world that will come from complete strangers and those that have been there the whole way with me.  I want you all to know that I am deeply humbled and grateful to have this outlet to release my frustration, fears, newfound wisdom, and if for some reason, someone out there should find it helpful in anyway, or can relate to my story in any way, or it provokes someone out there to go get a mammogram–then it was worth the hours of writing through blurred and tear filled eyes to get my thoughts out. 

The story has continued, it is still compelling, it is still heartwrenching, it is still worth me telling.  However, my life has become filled with distractions along the way and has caused me even greater heartache.  My oldest daughter has run away from home again.  This time, I fear for good.  The subject is so intertwined with what is happening to me, I have not been able to seperate one from the other and since this was a blog about my journey with cancer, I have found it difficult to concentrate on even this because all my energy has been going to her.  It has torn my family apart, it has caused so much sorrow and I have had deep flashbacks to my childhood when my own sister ran away.  Those feelings are much a part of me all over again, and the pain is raw and real.  I force through my days right now, carrying out my cheery duties of  “Tina”, daycare provider and Mom–of a runaway, a daughter who will turn 13 (a teenager) on this Wed., March 18, 2009, and a 5 yr. old that is having trouble dealing with what is happening to his mommy.  I have a limited relationship with my husband at the moment, and have decided it was time for me to grab the life raft my pastor has thrown out to me.  I have joined a bible study, bought a new bible, and have been overwhelmed at the messages and signs that have been coming at me lately.

I have been honored this past Wednesday at our state capitol for community excellence in my profession and I could not be more thrilled to be at the top of my game in that aspect.  The price of that is taking its toll, on my family, my education, and my health, however.  I am trying, but as hard as I try, more demands keep cropping up despite my attempts to delegate them off somewhere else.  I feel as though many are just as secretly terrified that something is going to go wrong and heaven forbid I don’t get everything all done before I should kick the bucket or be incapacitated for several weeks.  My accountant is one of those people.  She got really upset when I said I would need an extension for taxes.  I just don’t have the time or energy to put into it right now.  Isn’t there a joke about how there’s only two things you are guaranteed in life–taxes, and death…well, my accountant must swear by that rule of thumb and wants to make sure I pay mine, if necessary, just in case…

I also have a class I can’t keep up with no matter how hard I try and I think I just need to withdraw instead of screwing up my GPA.  I have one teacher who is also not friendly at all and is unsympathetic to the fact that I will be having surgery or that I will be unable to do anything for about a week.  I have checked into voice recognition software, but its EXPENSIVE and I just can’t afford it, so maybe I could get a friend to type while I dictate.  More than anything, I just want to sit and write.  I need to relieve myself of this burden I’ve been carrying.  I’ve been swamped with midterms, doctor appointments, and information overload.  Even though, I pray there will be more time in the future to really lay out my chronological account of events, what it all boils down to is this…

I am having a radical mastectomy on Thursday, March, 19, 2009. 

This has all come up as of today.  I knew it was a card on the table.  I prayed someone would call the surgeon’s bluff.  I prayed I would see some hint that his poker face was just a bunch of B.S.  I was wrong. I will have the full story I hope and pray soon.  Right now, I can’t think, I am emotionally spent and physically exhausted.  This is happening.  There is no ace up my sleeve.  There is no trump card.  I can’t throw my cards in and ask for all new ones.  I have to play this hand out.  I would rather be playing strip poker in front of thousands then have to undergo this process, though.  Maybe….that is what I am doing by writing this blog, now that I think about it.  I am stripping off the layers…that have covered up all sorts of yucky character traits…in a way that would leave me exposed to thousands…of strangers as well as friends…and strangers that may become my friends.  How I wish I could explore this concept fully in my mind and round out my thoughts right now.  I am just too scared and tired to do that right now.  I just can’t believe this is happening.

I don’t know if I will be able to check in for some time.  I don’t know what will happen on Thursday.  I don’t know if  things will all go well.  I pray it does.  I am asking for you to stop and say a prayer, for me and for my family–I’m not picky–any denomination will do.  If you would all say a prayer for my daughter, Jasmine, that she may see the light and run toward it and away from those that have pulled her down;  for my daughter, Jordan, who is terrified that she will lose her mom the day after her birthday; for my little boy, Justin, that he won’t be so scared and worried that God is coming to get me; and for Jeff, that he has the strength and stamina to keep up with these kids and sees to it they are well taken care of should something happen or while I am laid up.  If I don’t ever make it back on, thanks for listening, caring, praying, loving, and thinking of me and my family.  Thanks for stopping in–for a long time, or just for a peak.  Thanks for commenting–I’ll leave my husband the password to get in–maybe words of encouragement would help them all get through what lies ahead.  And if I do make it out of this, be sure to check back, you’ll be in for one hell of a read.  You’ll never believe what has transpired in the past couple weeks while I’ve been away.  I can’t believe it myself.

I pray that God will see me through this safely and that I shall be called truly, in time, Mrs. Heald.  How prophetic that seems now, looking back.  Little did I know 20 years ago, that my husband’s name would be my biggest sign.  Its funny, I have such a low voice that whenever someone would ask me my name over the phone, they would never be able to quite catch the pronunciation.  I would have to spell it out–”H as in Harry, E as in elephant, A as in Alice, L as in Larry, and D as in David–like I was HURT but now I am HEALD”  I have actually said that thousands of times.  What a huge misguided sign that was.  I have been hurt, but I haven’t been healed–YET.  I married a man that would be all I should ever hope to become, in body, mind, and spirit.  Jeff, I love you.  Jasmine, Jordan, Justin…I love you more than you will ever know, forever and ever, with all my heart and soul…Mommy

24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle Regan
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 07:21:31

    Christina, I am praying…that sounds so trite, but I believe in the power of prayer. I will be waiting to read of your recovery and until then…I know that you are in Perfect Hands.
    < Michelle

    Reply

  2. ginny
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 07:42:04

    Dear Christina, Words are not sufficient to let you know our thoughts toward you, however, we are expressing these in prayer to the Father. Anxiety for the future is cared for in God’s ultimate plan. Even when others fail us, even when we fail others, God still is touched by our hurts and our fraility. It is easy enough to say, “don’t be afraid”, yet we are human and our feet are clay, so we fail, yet God is not affected by our weakness, for when we are weak and depending on HIM, He is strongest. II Corinthians 12:9-10….When I have looked for a life verse, I must recite Isaiah 41:10,13 for it has been tested in my life….”So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand….For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you”. Sweet, dear One, God wants you to cast this anxiety on him….it is too heavy for you to carry….HE is strong….HE is able and HE is willing…..in prayer for you….aunt ginny and uncle pete/Colorado

    Reply

  3. Kelly
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 08:56:09

    Christina, I’m glad you wrote. I was wondering how you were doing. I can relate to what you are saying about having breast cancer, but you can’t concentrate because you are so worried about your daughter. A couple years back, I found out I had melanoma, and the next day we went sledding. My 12 year old’s (at the time) plastic snow board fell on his mouth and broke 4 of his teeth really bad. It was so traumatic for me! As the next few weeks passed trying to rebuild his teeth, I even said to my husband, I think I am more worried about David’s root canals to rebuild his teeth than I am my empending surgery.

    Not the same as what you are going through, but it reminded me of it anyway.
    Warmly,
    Kelly

    Reply

  4. Kelly
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 08:57:56

    …….Oh, and it has provoked me to schedule my mammogram.
    Kelly

    Reply

  5. Kelsomom
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 10:54:48

    Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes life is SO overwhelming you just want to shut down. All I can say to you is that no matter how bad today is, the sun still rises tomorrow. A sort of reset button. This is a you thing, not a someone else thing. Please take the time for you..have a selfish moment..maybe several a day. Prioritize, delegate, let things slide, take help when offered, do what it takes to take care of you, or you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. I send you prayers and strength (and unasked for advice, it’s the mom in me).

    Reply

  6. Tracy
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 15:01:39

    I’m at work and I’m crying. All I can say is that we love you so much.

    Reply

  7. Darcie
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 16:25:37

    Praying, wishing, hoping for the best Chris. You are loved.

    Reply

  8. Terri
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 18:45:26

    Chris, I am so sorry that things have gotten to this point. It is time to take care of Chris. Have faith that those around you will step up and carry the load for you. I’ll pray that you feel God’s presence and find some comfort in that. And you HEAL HEAL HEAL! Love, Terri

    Reply

  9. melanie
    Mar 17, 2009 @ 20:56:47

    You have said that line a lot! I remember sitting at my old house with you at the kitchen table and asking you exactly how to say your last name. You said the same line ‘I was hurt, but now I’m Heald.’
    Peace be with you!

    Reply

  10. ginny
    Mar 18, 2009 @ 06:05:00

    Celebrating Jordn’s birthday today. How kind and gracious is our Heavenly Father to bless us with the smile of this amazing little girl…..just for today, forget all about tommorrow and celebrate the blessing of the awesome gift of this child…..interceding for you and your family. Believing that as we reach out for HIS presence that HE will welcome our praise. “…..therefore do not worry about tomorrow,for tomorrow will worry about itself…each day has enough trouble of it’s own…” Matthew 6:34… TODAY hug your kids, celebrate their awesome smiles……we have the privilege of calling you before the Father…..don’t worry about that front, we are praying for you..we do not have to hold ourselves a certain way or do a special work….it was covered by the awesome work of Jesus at the cross…we just commit it to Him……love, aunt ginny & uncle pete/Colorado….

    Reply

  11. Kara
    Mar 18, 2009 @ 10:55:32

    This is probably a bit late for you, but as far as your college class goes, you need to go talk to your instructor face to face. College instructors get several “sob” stories each semester, most of which are not legitimate. You do have a legitimate problem, and there are procedures in place for students in your situation. You will probably need to take an incomplete, which will let you finish the course, but at different timetable established between you and your instructor. If your instructor is overwhelmed, then they might not want to supervise it and will suggest someone who can. At any rate, I would call your program director before your surgery (short notice, I know) and explain in relative detail what is happenning. A withdraw at this point would go on your record, so it is better to take the incomplete or at least come up with an alternate plan. I work in higher ed, so I know the ins and outs, and if you are honest about what is happenning, most people will help you.

    Reply

    • specificallyspeaking
      Mar 18, 2009 @ 12:28:24

      Thank you for this. I can’t tell you how worried I am about my grades. I’ve maintained 4.0 GPA for a year and a half. I am sure they get a lot of stories. I have contacted this teacher and will need to contact the others during naptime. I have so many phone calls to make. I didn’t know what the difference between a withdrawal or an incomplete would be. I thought the incomplete would be worse. I wondered if I needed doctors notes? I don’t have much time and I am just trying to make sure some details are taken care of–a list of phone numbers for my family to call, trying to post as much overdue homework as possible, trying to make my daughter’s birthday as fun as possible. Trying to take a million pictures. I know I won’t sleep tonight. Thank you for the advice. –CJ

      Reply

  12. Kim
    Mar 18, 2009 @ 18:31:45

    I just want you to know – there is hope. This is NOT a death sentence. My sister had a double mastectomy at age 20. She is now a vibrant healthy 51 yrs young. At the time, she was not offered chemo and radiation wasn’t an option. She was told the cancer may come back if she was to get pregnant, so she had her tubes tied. 10 yrs later, she was told after a full body scan, she was completely cancer free and she had the surgery reversed and went on to have 2 healthy sons.

    I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through right now, but health sciences have improved so much, this is not a death sentence.

    This is a time to take care of you. Drop that class, let hubby take care of you (let him help) and if finding GOD again is what you need, do that.

    This is not unbeatable – believe it and all is possible.

    Reply

  13. Lisa and Gabe
    Mar 18, 2009 @ 18:49:24

    Gabe and I will be thinking and praying for you every waking moment. We love you ‘times 10′, as Gabe would say. Justin and Gabe will have a great time after school, no need to worry. See you soon…xoxoxox

    Reply

  14. Living in London
    Mar 19, 2009 @ 04:14:53

    About the incomplete, I don’t know if you will need a doctor’s note, but that seems a bit over the top. If they ask and don’t want to proceed until you have one, get cheeky and flash your bandages. If you are already behind on homework, then take the incomplete. You can return to classtime when you are feeling better, but you are not under obligation to turn in the work on the class timeline, but instead on the timeline you agree on with your instructor. An “I” will go on your grade report, but will be replaced with whatever grade you get after you finish your work.

    thinking of you today…

    Reply

    • specificallyspeaking
      Mar 19, 2009 @ 07:21:47

      I contacted my teachers. Some want a note, some don’t. I’ve been up all night working. I only have a little bit here, before I go. Thanks for that advice. I’ll have Jeff work on gathering notes and scanning and sending them in. I never would have thought about that.

      Reply

  15. Elaine
    Mar 19, 2009 @ 11:51:35

    Hi Christina,
    I just want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. God is bigger than all of this. He is a healer and a redeemer. You are beautiful and have a beautiful family.

    Reply

  16. Kelsomom
    Mar 19, 2009 @ 16:41:46

    Thinking of you all day, hope things went as well as can be expected.

    Reply

  17. PM
    Mar 19, 2009 @ 18:08:44

    We have been praying for you constantly. We have you in mind as we read our devotions.
    This is a type of baptisim by fire I think. I would never have chosen this for you but I know you will become a more valuable woman because of this ordeal.You will be reborn into another self and become a deeper and more mature Christina. (a Christian Healed)
    “A bar of iron, worth 1 pound, when wrought into horse shoes is worth 2 pounds; if made into needles, it is worth 70 pounds, if into penknife blades, it is worth 650 pounds, into springs for watches it is worth 50,000 pounds. The more it is hammered and passed through the fire and polished, the greater its value, Those who suffer most are capable of yielding most.” (FB Meyer) Lovingly, PM

    Reply

  18. Fran
    Mar 20, 2009 @ 09:44:29

    I am praying for you and your beautiful family.

    Reply

  19. Kelsomom
    Apr 01, 2009 @ 22:34:19

    Checking on you. Hope things are ok, you’re reading..but not ready to post yet?

    Reply

  20. kelsomom
    Apr 11, 2009 @ 19:48:50

    I just wanted to say to you that I’m thinking of you. Sending prayers for strength, energy, and focus your way.

    Reply

  21. ginny
    Apr 13, 2009 @ 12:27:16

    Praying for you Christiana “without ceasing”….you are constantly before the throne as we call you before the Father.

    He is able. Love, aunt ginny

    Reply

  22. ginny
    Apr 15, 2009 @ 07:21:28

    Dear Christina, We are “building a wall of intercession” for you. Nehemiah 1:4 We are entreating our God day and night in your behalf. All are encouraged to raise up a “brick in the wall” as we seek the Lord in your behalf. We dearly love you know you are dealing with difficult times. Jesus knows and is touched by our infirmities. Matthew 8:17….lean heavy in to Him. We love you. aunt ginny and uncle pete

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

mrsmomblog

Excerpts from a mom/wife/teacher/crazywomanby8am

Observations from Sumoflam's Singlewide

Random thoughts and reflections on life

renée a. schuls-jacobson

because life doesn't fit in a file folder

Anything & Everything Awesome

Unlike the Other Sites, This One is Awesome.

Meanwhile, Melody Muses...

Poetry to Heal the Heart

Breast Cancer Advocate

Blogging for an end to breast cancer

Katrina Anne Willis

Table for Six: The Extraordinary Tales of an Ordinary Family

brainsnorts inc.

"trashing today for a better tomorrow"

mindfulmagpie

what's shiny today?

CharlieHoehn.com

Free Work, Free Life

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

Teaching/Craft

Teaching/Craft is my forum to explore topics related to the profession in which I’ve found myself – teaching the craft of making with the hand, the mind, and the mouse.

The Memoir Network

Resources to Help You to Write (and Finish!) Your Memoir

The Write Project

looking for light in a weary world

lindygrasser

A Chronicle of My Redesigned Life

Learning to See Light

Photographing New Zealand and telling the world about it

merlinspielen

random thoughts from a computer jockey with a graphite pencil

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 648 other followers

%d bloggers like this: