I am overwhelmed. I can’t think straight. My world seems to be spinning into outer space. I have so much to write. So little time. I have so many demands on me right now, I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have so much to say, so much to purge, so much to vomit up onto my computer screen, but the countdown is on. I want so badly to catch up and make sense of what is happening to me and around me. I want to wake up from this nightmare and know that this is not really happening. But that will never happen.
What I want to do more than anything is thank everyone for all their prayers. All the kind words, the encouraging remarks, the laughter, the hugs, the hand holding-in spirit and in person. I have wanted to respond to each and everyone one of you that has posted comments. If I make it out of this, I will–I promise. I can’t tell you how much it has meant in my darkest moments to come back and know that there is goodness and kindness in this world that will come from complete strangers and those that have been there the whole way with me. I want you all to know that I am deeply humbled and grateful to have this outlet to release my frustration, fears, newfound wisdom, and if for some reason, someone out there should find it helpful in anyway, or can relate to my story in any way, or it provokes someone out there to go get a mammogram–then it was worth the hours of writing through blurred and tear filled eyes to get my thoughts out.
The story has continued, it is still compelling, it is still heartwrenching, it is still worth me telling. However, my life has become filled with distractions along the way and has caused me even greater heartache. My oldest daughter has run away from home again. This time, I fear for good. The subject is so intertwined with what is happening to me, I have not been able to seperate one from the other and since this was a blog about my journey with cancer, I have found it difficult to concentrate on even this because all my energy has been going to her. It has torn my family apart, it has caused so much sorrow and I have had deep flashbacks to my childhood when my own sister ran away. Those feelings are much a part of me all over again, and the pain is raw and real. I force through my days right now, carrying out my cheery duties of “Tina”, daycare provider and Mom–of a runaway, a daughter who will turn 13 (a teenager) on this Wed., March 18, 2009, and a 5 yr. old that is having trouble dealing with what is happening to his mommy. I have a limited relationship with my husband at the moment, and have decided it was time for me to grab the life raft my pastor has thrown out to me. I have joined a bible study, bought a new bible, and have been overwhelmed at the messages and signs that have been coming at me lately.
I have been honored this past Wednesday at our state capitol for community excellence in my profession and I could not be more thrilled to be at the top of my game in that aspect. The price of that is taking its toll, on my family, my education, and my health, however. I am trying, but as hard as I try, more demands keep cropping up despite my attempts to delegate them off somewhere else. I feel as though many are just as secretly terrified that something is going to go wrong and heaven forbid I don’t get everything all done before I should kick the bucket or be incapacitated for several weeks. My accountant is one of those people. She got really upset when I said I would need an extension for taxes. I just don’t have the time or energy to put into it right now. Isn’t there a joke about how there’s only two things you are guaranteed in life–taxes, and death…well, my accountant must swear by that rule of thumb and wants to make sure I pay mine, if necessary, just in case…
I also have a class I can’t keep up with no matter how hard I try and I think I just need to withdraw instead of screwing up my GPA. I have one teacher who is also not friendly at all and is unsympathetic to the fact that I will be having surgery or that I will be unable to do anything for about a week. I have checked into voice recognition software, but its EXPENSIVE and I just can’t afford it, so maybe I could get a friend to type while I dictate. More than anything, I just want to sit and write. I need to relieve myself of this burden I’ve been carrying. I’ve been swamped with midterms, doctor appointments, and information overload. Even though, I pray there will be more time in the future to really lay out my chronological account of events, what it all boils down to is this…
I am having a radical mastectomy on Thursday, March, 19, 2009.
This has all come up as of today. I knew it was a card on the table. I prayed someone would call the surgeon’s bluff. I prayed I would see some hint that his poker face was just a bunch of B.S. I was wrong. I will have the full story I hope and pray soon. Right now, I can’t think, I am emotionally spent and physically exhausted. This is happening. There is no ace up my sleeve. There is no trump card. I can’t throw my cards in and ask for all new ones. I have to play this hand out. I would rather be playing strip poker in front of thousands then have to undergo this process, though. Maybe….that is what I am doing by writing this blog, now that I think about it. I am stripping off the layers…that have covered up all sorts of yucky character traits…in a way that would leave me exposed to thousands…of strangers as well as friends…and strangers that may become my friends. How I wish I could explore this concept fully in my mind and round out my thoughts right now. I am just too scared and tired to do that right now. I just can’t believe this is happening.
I don’t know if I will be able to check in for some time. I don’t know what will happen on Thursday. I don’t know if things will all go well. I pray it does. I am asking for you to stop and say a prayer, for me and for my family–I’m not picky–any denomination will do. If you would all say a prayer for my daughter, Jasmine, that she may see the light and run toward it and away from those that have pulled her down; for my daughter, Jordan, who is terrified that she will lose her mom the day after her birthday; for my little boy, Justin, that he won’t be so scared and worried that God is coming to get me; and for Jeff, that he has the strength and stamina to keep up with these kids and sees to it they are well taken care of should something happen or while I am laid up. If I don’t ever make it back on, thanks for listening, caring, praying, loving, and thinking of me and my family. Thanks for stopping in–for a long time, or just for a peak. Thanks for commenting–I’ll leave my husband the password to get in–maybe words of encouragement would help them all get through what lies ahead. And if I do make it out of this, be sure to check back, you’ll be in for one hell of a read. You’ll never believe what has transpired in the past couple weeks while I’ve been away. I can’t believe it myself.
I pray that God will see me through this safely and that I shall be called truly, in time, Mrs. Heald. How prophetic that seems now, looking back. Little did I know 20 years ago, that my husband’s name would be my biggest sign. Its funny, I have such a low voice that whenever someone would ask me my name over the phone, they would never be able to quite catch the pronunciation. I would have to spell it out–”H as in Harry, E as in elephant, A as in Alice, L as in Larry, and D as in David–like I was HURT but now I am HEALD” I have actually said that thousands of times. What a huge misguided sign that was. I have been hurt, but I haven’t been healed–YET. I married a man that would be all I should ever hope to become, in body, mind, and spirit. Jeff, I love you. Jasmine, Jordan, Justin…I love you more than you will ever know, forever and ever, with all my heart and soul…Mommy