OMG–I Forgot…

I forgot to add my #8 reason for the tattoo! I’ve gone back into the last post, “A Work In Progress” to add that. Scroll down through it (or read it again!) to get to that point. I’ve updated the entire page, I’ve already had a bit of traffic–so those that have already read it will at least see this and go back to see that. That particular point gives a person food for thought, that’s for sure.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kim
    Sep 15, 2009 @ 13:08:10

    Christina, I absolutely love your pink ribbon tattoo. I guess I am a little conservative too. My daughter has been trying to get me to get one with her. She wants a pink ribbon on her foot (small, beside her little toe). If I could get up the nerve, I just might do it! Hope you are doing well. Sending you lots of prayer and hugs! ~Kim


    • Christina Heald
      Sep 22, 2009 @ 23:10:00

      Kim–so glad you stopped by and commented. I love getting them! I’m glad you like the tattoo! I love it, too! I get a whole lot of comments on it and it makes me feel really strong. What size were you thinking of getting? I don’t know if your a wimp to pain like me, but, I would highly recommend Ibuprofen and a couple shots of something before you go! LOL. I’m doing the best I can and thanks for all the prayers and hugs! Hope to see you back on here again! cj


      • Kim
        Sep 24, 2009 @ 21:39:41

        My family says that I am not a wimp to pain, but I think I am. The thought of getting a tattoo for myself terrifies me. I don’t know what size I would get, but it would probably not be too big.

        I just read your post. I know it is hard, but try not to get down. I believe that we are never given more than we can handle. I have been sick several times, not just cancer. I try to have the attitude that there is always someone else that is worse off than me. It helps me to get through life. I understand what you are going through about the hysterectomy. I had to have one because I could not take tamoxifen. I am taking arimidex and needed to be in menopause before I could take it. I have some horrible hot flashes! Side effect of the hysterectomy and arimidex. They are awful! Dr. suggested I take effexor….. It has some bad side effects too! I am suffering through the hot flashes. I have not given in to take the effexor yet. It stinks! All of it! But WE can get through it! NEVER NEVER NEVER give up! Remember, attitude is half the battle. Hang in there!


        • Christina Heald
          Sep 25, 2009 @ 08:17:07

          Have you googled any images to just see what they look like on someone’s body? That’s what I did–on my phone–while I waited and then the tattoo artist and me looked through some images on the computer while I was there. He just typed in pink ribbon tattoos and made sure to hit the image link on the google home page. I was really surprised at how many I liked. I knew where i wanted it though and so the larger ones wouldn’t do. I felt that I didn’t need to go all out there but just wanted a simple statement because in that one statement it spoke volumes to me and many others who would come to see it. I could have gotten really fancy and I know I have a couple of those images still saved to my computer–I’ll hunt them up and show you–maybe you’ll be braver than me and go for a big one!! 🙂
          I think about the worse off all the time. I know my own daughter–even though she is not battling cancer (she’s battling her own demons)–is much worse off than me. I’m weirdly at least trying to stay alive, but her battle is much deeper and painful. I think of her all the time. I just wish she would realize that it would be much more painful for me to lose her before I lost my own battle.
          I have heard of the arimidex and am unfamiliar with some of the side effects. If it hasn’t pertained to me specifically, I haven’t invested the time in researching it. I can relate to these hot flashes. They ARE so MISERABLE. During the day–hot or cold–I’m in a tank top because I find myself trying to peel clothing off fast no matter where I am. I’ve even started stripping layers off at red lights–much to the amusement or horror of others in traffic with me, but unless you know what its like to get one of these things–you can’t possibly understand the need to cool down immediately. At home, when it happens, I have to stick my head under a cold running faucet. I swear there’s steam coming off it!
          I know attitude is half the battle and even though mine wavers, I’m hanging in there–what choice do I have? I just can’t seem to handle the overwhelming wammies that keep hitting me. As soon as I let my guard down–wammy!! Something major is rocking my foundation. Like last night–I am enjoying chinese food with my kids when I get a phone call to tell me some horrifyingly stressful information regarding my older daughter. I haven’t been to sleep yet. It’s been a worry filled night. Since I really don’t elaborate on all the details, many might think–everyone gets wammies, deal with it–or she must not know how to cope anymore–trust me–I’m doing my best. Again, because I don’t elaborate–noone reading my blog would even be able to handle all the crap being flung in my direction at the moment. I used to think one thing–the cancer would be enough for someone to try and deal with, but I have 5 or 6 MAJOR issues going on and I know I am in a constant state of fight or flight which is, in other words, STRESS, which is NOT good for the cancer. I try to download, process, unload, deal with, talk it out, write it out, cry it out, but the few people I have trusted with the whole story walk away with a glazy look in their eye. It’s information overload. So, I try not to burden anyone with the majority, bottle it up, and then that’s soooo not good for me either. Sigh. I just try to do the best I can.
          My sister-in-law told me one day a couple weeks ago that she just felt like she was imposing if she asked for information and that she would like to be in “the loop”. I told her, “You won’t be able to handle my loop”. Then I told her. She was crying and speachless. If I could find a therapist to help me after 6pm or on a weekend, but they don’t keep hours like that around here. So, I thought I’d go work it out in the gym with my new wellness class. Either way, I must put on a happy face for those around me during the day. It usually takes me a day or two to regroup and start looking at whatever fire is burning to figure out how I’m going to try and put it out. With that many fires to constantly be worrying about this year, it leaves little time for stress free quality time. Some might say–“just do it!–Make the time”–unless you knew the full scope of my year, all I can say is “easier said than done”. I’m hopeful someday, though, things will work out.
          To be honest, with a couple of them–I’m more fearful they won’t–it’s the reality of the situations, unfortunately, and it makes me terribly heartbroken. Not having a crystal ball to tell me how it will all play out is just something we all have to deal with. Some can handle major crisis with the wave of a hand. I’ve reached my limit. I hear that phrase all the time–“you never get more than you can handle”–and all I have been able to ponder this year is, “who in the world thought I could handle all this–at once–it’s too much–and–I’VE HAD ENOUGH–PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!
          On another note–where are you in your treatment. Tell me about you.


          • Christina Heald
            Sep 25, 2009 @ 08:18:03

            Just to let you know also–I had my paragraphs formed and it wouldn’t let me upload this reply except all squished together. Sorry and I hope you can follow ok.


            • Kim
              Sep 25, 2009 @ 17:25:16

              Christina, I am sorry you have so many things overwhelming you at the same time. It is so hard, and unless you have been there, you just can’t begin to understand. It is really hard to tell those closest to you everything. (At least that is my opinion.) I really haven’t decided what size tattoo or even if I will be brave enough. It would probably be small, and maybe just like what my daughter wants to get. Who would have thought at 47 I would be thinking of getting a tattoo.

              I have finished all treatment. I had 4 cycles of taxotere/cytoxan. After the first one, I had an ulcer. I was in the hospital for a week. I am sure that I had this before the chemo was started. I was having some pain there, they thought it was my gall bladder. They did a hydascan, it was not my gall bladder. They decided to go ahead and start the chemo. Then once they discovered the ulcer, it had to be well before anymore chemo. It was about 6-8 weeks before I had the 2nd one. The pain of the ulcer was worse than the lumpectomy that I had. (I had 2 lumpectomies. I changed surgeons, and the 2nd surgeon did not think the first one took enough tissue.) I changed surgeons because of my oncologist. He is fantastic! So is my new surgeon. I am blessed to have found them both. Who would have thought I could find 2 wonderful Dr.s in such a small town. I also had to have radiation, 28 treatments and 5 boosters. Luckily no burns. They were surprised at that. Just a little dry skin. It got old driving to get those treatments. It took 30 minutes to get there, and another 30 minutes to get home. Unfortunately we did not have a radiation oncologist here. The hysterectomy was another disaster for me. Well, I guess I should say partial disaster. My bowel was nicked when I had mine. My one night stay at the hospital turned into a month. And, a second surgery. So I have had 4 surgeries in less than a year. Ugh! The last 2 were the worst! I didn’t think I would ever get any strength back after those. I have lost about 35 pounds since all this started. I am glad to have lost the weight, but wouldn’t wish this on anyone. The chemo diet stinks!

              I hope things get better for you soon! Stress is so hard. I have had some myself. Life sometimes throws us a curve. I hate it when that happens! I am just so sorry that it is throwing more at you than you deserve. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk, I am here. Send me an e-mail, I will give you my telephone number. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone that you don’t know. Someone who does not judge or try to tell you what to do and how to do it. Hang in there, we both have better days ahead!


              • Christina Heald
                Sep 26, 2009 @ 16:03:50

                That was the same regimine I was put on. It was the Taxotere that came close to killing me. It must be just pure liquid poison if it ate through your stomach lining and gave you an ulcer! So did the doctors get clean margins after your second lumpectomy? Have you had another mammo? Are you considering reconstruction of any kind? I am speachless about your radiation. I am terribly thankful that as of yet, I have not had to do that. My girlfriend’s dad had that on his lungs before he passed away and it was so hard on him that the burn marks weren’t on the front as bad as on his back. The radiation burned him all the way through. It’s just like getting microwaved–really. I just can’t believe the unfortunate month long stay you had to go through after the hysterectomy. My gosh, you’ve been through a lot. I was actually hoping (and this is weird) that I would drop some weight from being on the chemo. I haven’t been able to get rid of the weight from my last and he just turned 6 this past week, however, the stress and I think the Tamoxofin are helping my body pack on the weight. I hate it. I wish I could lose 30 pounds. Heck, I’d settle for 20–25! I went to see the plastic surgeon this week and we talked about reconstruction. Possibly two more surgeries before the end of this year. It’s a lot–but you had 4! That’s a lot of recuperation! How are you feeling now? Tell me again, was this all this year? Did I miss the timeframe somewhere in a post? I want you to send me pics of you getting your tattoo–yes, I’m with your daughter on this one–I think you should get one too.
                And the stress–breathe–one day at a time. That’s all I can do. For now. It will work out–one way or another and I am resilient, thrifty, and blessed with fortitude even though I lose sight of that sometimes. When you’ve been through what you have or I have or others have, you grow a thicker skin. I am actually making some more decisive headway and for me, it might just be what I need to turn my head around. I’ll blog about it soon. TTYL–cj


  2. jazzfiend1000
    Sep 15, 2009 @ 15:43:50

    Hello! Thanks for popping my blog, as well. I ventured forward to yours through our mutual blogger friend at unencumbered life. I enjoy reading your blog and hearing about your adventures and strength. I admire you! Thanks for writing!


    • Christina Heald
      Sep 22, 2009 @ 23:13:49

      It’s so funny–I was just poking around at some of the urls that come into peak at mine and yours was there. I stopped by yours, enjoyed it, and saw that both mine and Traci’s blog were listed in your blogroll. Not knowing that you were acquaintances with Traci already, I had to call her and tell her I thought we had a mutual stalker–hahahaha. That’s when she told me she knew you. She said she thought we would really hit it off should we ever meet and it seems like we have a love of music–so that’s a big plus! So, would you mind if I listed yours in my blogroll? cj


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