Sick and Tired

I have been under the weather for almost two weeks now. This past weekend I spent almost all of it in bed sleeping off this crud. I don’t know what it is and it tends to worry me. As much as I hate to see other family members ill, I’m really glad they all have what I have–it means, in a way, that this is probably not cancer related. It is just kicking me in the butt much harder than everyone else. Then Justin came home with a letter from his school saying that there was a confirmed case of H1N1 Flu present in his school. It really wigged me out. Lots of disinfecting, sanitizing, and handwashing going on here.

I had my yearly physical last night. I sat face to face with the woman who didn’t listen to my moans and groans for a year and just thought I was in need of Xanax or Prozac or both. I know she felt bad, but instead of rubbing it in, I just filled her in on how the year has gone. I wish I wouldn’t have been overtired and wiped out from my huge cold. It makes me more emotional and when she was asking me big questions, I just couldn’t help it, I started crying. God, I wish I wouldn’t have done that. Then, she thought she was right in her initial assessment of what kinds of medications I should be taking. That made me even more upset because why can’t someone just cry anymore without someone thinking they need to be in a doped up state just to relate to what’s going on in their lives. She has put me off to the nurse practitioner all year–since my diagnosis. I’ve been mad at this doctor for a year. Last night I was just too tired and feeling like crud to tell her how I felt about that. The one thing I was really hoping she would help me out on was my request to have an ultrasound done. She wouldn’t. I cried. Again.

Do I think I need an ultrasound? I don’t know. Do I want an ultrasound. Yes. I worry constantly about this metastasizing to my ovaries or my uterus. Pap smears only detect cervical cancer and I will admit–that as unpleasant as those exams are, there are worse things and usually they never bothered me much. Last night–my first one since all this has happened to me–was more anxiety-ridden than any other I had ever had. I had to sit on my hands so she wouldn’t see them shaking. What if? What if something comes back on that? It’s been 7 months since my initial diagnosis–what could happen in that time frame? I know the tumor that was found was said to be a grade three–most severe–even for as tiny as it was and that it was multiplying very rapidly. Could other radicals have found a host by now and be multiplying elsewhere?

Could it be that this is the reason why I am soooooo exhausted anymore? I just can’t believe that a few months ago I had been working and studying 20 hours a day and getting 4 hours of sleep–if I was lucky–every night for three years. Now I can barely see straight come 7pm.

Is my body once again growing and feeding some dragon inside me? Without anyone willing to let me have an ultrasound or pet scan–how will I ever know? I would just like ONE of each–a baseline–to know where I started and that way if I was feeling symptoms of something they would have a marker of where it has come from. Especially now–when Jeff may be losing his job and that will result in a loss of insurance benefits–which makes me pre-existing almost everywhere else. While I have the insurance–just let me do it! Why can’t the doctors code it so it doesn’t look like it was routine? Why does it have to be assumed to be–especially when the initial cancer diagnosis is the underlying reason for wanting one in the first place. I just don’t get it. It makes me so angry. It makes me cry, because I just don’t feel like I’m being heard or that I am just another cancer patient. Trying to “live my life” as my first oncologist told me to do is nearly impossible at times. Its not the same. I don’t think it ever will be no matter how hard I try to carry on with a smile on my face. It just masks the deep pain I feel over the unknown.

Then again–would I really want to know? What if the scans came back and I was glowing like a fire cracker? Would I really want to see that? Would that make me even more overemotional? Probably. But–why wait until you have symptoms–then it’s too late. Wouldn’t you want to know if you have a huge brain tumor or spots on your lungs, or tentacles wrapped around your ovaries? The quicker you can have surgery and cut it out–the better your chances–right? I know it all sounds irratic, but these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. It’s hard at times to forget, and I make it harder on myself when I don’t follow my nutrition regimine that my nutritionist has worked with me on all summer. Or when I forget to take my Tamoxifin. Major guilt trip. I feel like I have some sort of control with those things or with the exercising, but I am still partly in denial and not being consistent. I have not fully jumped on the bandwagon–I did early on, but now I am falling off and being drug by the cart. I know I need to recommit. I know.

Could it be the Tamoxifin that’s wiping me out? I know it has played a part in my early menopause and with that–could that be making me so tired? Speaking of the Tamoxifin, I tried to see if I could have the doctor’s office prescribe all 5 yrs. worth of meds. in advance. I am terrified that we won’t have insurance and I will not be able to even afford the cost of my prescriptions each month. I have no idea what the cost is, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right? So, I called there and I didn’t even think about the shelf life factor until the nurse pointed it out. She also really sounded odd and then she told me that they could only refill the Rx monthly so that individuals would be less inclined to sell the drugs elsewhere. Oh my gosh, great, now my oncologist’s office thinks I’m a pill pusher on the black market somewhere and I will be watched for that. It made me laugh in a way and then I realized that there are probably thousands of women in just the same boat I’m in–if not worse. Think about all the women in third world countries who don’t get the Tamoxifin. Then, I think about how I live in America and I will be considered pre-existing here pretty soon–unless an insurance miracle happens and Jeff gets a new job without a pre-existing condition clause.

Is it that it takes a very long time for your body to recover from chemo–(even though I only had one full treatment before becoming severely allergic and going into respiratory arrest)? how long does it take before your energy levels return? Do they?

Is my body fighting against something or just trying to still heal? I know 6 months later, my body is still not draining the lymphatic fluid correctly. Only two lymph nodes were taken out in surgery and my body should have, by now, compensated and learned how to move the fluid through my body. But it still pools under the scar tissue in my chest and it is painful. Weirdly–the whole top of my chest is numb–all the nerves severed, but deeper–around the muscle–it’s still terribly painful. How long will that last? Will it last forever? Is it my body trying to tell me to lay down and get vertical so the fluid can move better? Is my body just working overtime? I do worry about that lymphedema every day and knowing how its pooling in my chest doesn’t help my worries. The surgeon doesn’t seem too worried although in my 2nd followup with him two weeks ago, he was concerned about the continued pain factor I’m having. He didn’t suggest anything, though–so I guess I just live with it.

Will I ever feel the same?

Will my psoriasis ever go away? It seems to be worse these days and that was one of the first indications that I found that alerted me to something being wrong. I know stress exacerbates psoriasis and I am truly amazed I am not covered head to toe in the stuff. Be thankful its just on my elbows, right?

Is the constant stress of the cancer, my self-image, my oldest daughter, how everything is affecting my younger children, my husband’s impending job loss, the uncertainty that will bring to us financially, the loss of benefits, the mounting medical bills for me and for Jasmine, the stress on our marriage and all of our relationships just taking its toll and no amount of counseling can really fix ALL the triggers at this point?

Once this metastasizes–it is really hard to detect if it goes to the ovaries or to the uterus. Why can’t we just schedule a hysterectomy at this point. I’m really inwardly wigging out about this and even though my new oncologist doesn’t want to start “butchering” for no good reason especially when the genetic tests have all come back fairly positive–I can’t help but think–Isn’t cancer a good enough reason? I suppose if I wanted it done badly enough and threw a big enough temper tantrum–I’d get my way–but am I just being over reactional about it? If I’m no longer using the stuff–take it out. That’s three less places for this to land and I will know that I am not going to die from those associated cancers.

Sigh. Sometimes my brain gets so ramped up with these thoughts that they just spew out onto the page. I have to keep coming back to my bible to try to help quiet myself. My goal of self-quieting has been a hard one to tackle this year. I think it also gets revved up as my doctor visits start coming. I will go see the plastic surgeon tomorrow to talk about reconstruction–something I totally didn’t think I was ready for, but with the possibility of losing insurance and the fact that they will now pay for a boob job–I’m going to talk about the options. It may not even be an option, but I have to go and check it out or I will be mad at myself if I let the opportunity slip away. Next week, I see my oncologist for a 3 month check up. I hope we will look at bloodwork and see if anything shows up there. I don’t know what I should be asking him at this point because I just feel like everyone wants me to “live my life”. If any of you have any questions I should be mulling over for him, please let me know. I would welcome them whole heartedly.

I received my long awaited call from NAFCC (National Assoc. for Family Child Care) that my long overdue national accreditation observation is about to happen. I have been working on it for two years. I applied for the observation the end of December 2008. Normally, you should get a call between 4-6 weeks to schedule the observation. Here we are 9 months later and I will finally undergo this on October 6, 2009. They have been swamped since revising their re-accreditation standards and since I am a newbie, I guess, I was not a priority. I often think of what that would have been like should I have gotten that call within the normal time period. I was just getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I would not have been ready for that at all. Looking back, I really am surprised I made it through the summer and really glad that this observation is coming while the house is quieter. I guess I should be grateful that it is happening after my mastectomy, after all the big rowdy boys went off to school, after a regular naptime had been re-established for the little ones, and after my head came back from Bizarro World.

Since this call came through, I haven’t been able to think about too much else in the past week–including the cancer stuff and I have truly welcomed the break. It makes me realize that when I am working on something I’m passionate about, I get a lot accomplished————(Why can’t I get truly passionate about my cancer?)———- I’ve been going through all my checklists making sure all my T’s have been crossed and my i’s have been dotted. I have a book that takes me a few hours to get through each time because I am really focusing on doing my best. I have been through it several times and plan on several more read throughs. I spent all last week working on my parent teacher conferences and getting those in order. I was glad to get them all done so I could move on to more paperwork that has been lagging. I screwed up my classes this year, but I am not going to screw up this. I have worked too hard. I want to be able to look back on 2009 and know that despite the huge setback, I was able to accomplish this major accomplishment. Usually centers or schools or colleges are accredited. It isn’t that often that in-home providers become accredited. So, I am working day in and day out right now and everyone in my family has their very own honey-do lists. I’ll get there slowly, but surely and quite honestly, I’m ready–its just the details I’m going back for. Tons of details, but it will all come together.

I’ve also been allowing several college students studying at St. Ambrose Univ. to come tour my environment. This is good practice for me as they are able to give me fresh eyes. They are students studying to be teachers–how I wish I could go back to school–but I am not ready yet. Maybe next year. Maybe this is why I was supposed to ultimately take the break from my college courses this year. To ready myself for accreditation. To make sure my head was still in the game. I can honestly say that I was in a perfect position to give up on everything I had worked for professionally. Just chuck it and spend my days playing with my family. It was a summer where I was re-evaluating everything in my life and trying to figure out if things were still working or if they needed changing in some way or another. When I look at my chosen profession, I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love working with kids. I love where I work. I love the tools I get to work with! Some people provide child care as a means to an end, a temporary job while their own kids are young, but me–it really drives me. I absolutely love what I do and when I had really looked at all the reasons why I do what I do, I realized my head was ready to take on the observer that would come spend the day with me. If I could just shake this illness now…

We celebrated my son’s 6th birthday this past week. Time flies. I asked him what the best present he got was and he looked at me and told me it was me and that he was super happy I wasn’t dead. “Gee, thanks, babe–I love you too” is what I responded with. 🙂 I’m grateful I got to see him turn 6 and I am glad I’m not dead yet. Lord knows how I’ve worried over that all summer. So, I’m grateful I’m alive. I’ve survived my diagnosis for 7 months now. Almost a year. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

I have begun a Wellness class at the YMCA. It is 12 weeks of free personal training–2X/wk. for 1 1/2 hrs. each eve. The best part–its free! I get to work with a personal trainer for free for 12 weeks! I missed the first class because I was sick two weeks ago. I went to both classes last week and thought I was going to die each night. I began working on my WII fit on the off nights, but this cold/flu is really pulling me down. I am so happy for the outlet and MAKING ME a priority. I have met a handful of other breast cancer survivors that are in various stages of their disease or treatment and I just know that will be instrumental in my mental comeback. I think being able to dedicate time to working out will also help me release those endorphins I haven’t seen in a very long time which will help relax me, help me sleep better, make me feel like WANTING to recommit to my nutrition plan again, making me WANT to be more consistent with my med taking, and maybe inthe process, I will lose the 30 pounds I’ve tacked on. UUUGGGHHH! I am bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Jordan (she was the biggest baby)! Could it be the Tamoxifin that is helping me pack on the weight? I know that stress will pack on the weight also and I am surprised I’m not morbidly obese. The added weight make me more sluggish so, I have to lose it.

My other major concern is that I’ve been told that estrogen is stored in fat and since I’m sporting my own personal flotation device around my mid section these days–I need to find something to help me deflate it. I have to lose the weight–I worry every day that the hormone that is feeding my cancer is setting up shop and getting comfy in my fat. Ok–who am I kidding–I also want to lose the weight before my next class reunion next summer–I was so worried what everyone was going to think about my hair–now I just want to walk in and have everyone think, “wow, she looks great for having cancer”. I know. I know. Completely immature and shallow, but who wants to come back after 25 years looking like crap? Yes, I know all the stuff about the inner beauty, outer beauty, lasting beauty stuff, but when it comes right down to it, I really just hope that all my beauties are playing on a level field by then (and I really hope I drop 30 pounds!) :). I’ve run into a few friends from high school, they all happen to be nurses. They have all said I look good–my color is good and since they work with sick people all the time, they can tell when a person is sick. I guess I’ve got that going for me. Problem with that is–I’d rather have hair and a boob–omg–I just did it–I said something very generically–I take that back–let me be specific…

I’d rather have a headful of healthy, blonde, soft, stylishly coiffed hair that I could seductively whip around should I be in the mood for some lovin’, be able to pull it back when I’m feeling playful, and be able to run my fingers through it to tousle it and have that wind blown look that most women dream of. And–I’d rather have two boobs–the same size–preferably a little lifted and energized looking with a natural looking nipple tattooed on the new one. I used to wonder about having bigger boobs and although I wouldn’t mind them a tad larger, I’d now just be happy to look like I did. So a perky 34B would be great. Afterall, it’s not the size–it’s how you package them! I think that’s it–have I forgotten anything? Please feel free to let me know if that wish needs a little more something something. I will be checking out the silicone stockroom tomorrow. Wish me luck!

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cecil "ProSe" Roth
    Sep 22, 2009 @ 14:17:01

    Took it all in. Good luck tomorrow! Be good and enjoy it, Cecil


  2. Angie
    Sep 22, 2009 @ 21:37:45

    Hey Christine

    I totally do not understand why that doctor will not order you an ultrasound. That to me is so unacceptable and not very smart. I just had my yearly physical Sept 11, I have never had cancer, I was complaining of painful periods and my gyn ordered an ultrasound. It showed a small ovarian cyst, and he promptly ordered the CA_125 or something like that test, the marker that detects ovarian cancer and it came back normal as he was sure it would, but the point is he was this thorough and I have never even had an abnormal pap smear so I think your doctor is being not just too laid back, but more importantly very inconsiderate of your feelings. If an ultrasound could reduce your stress level how is that not beneficial to you and your health??????? And it makes perfect sense that you would want to take advantage of the time you are covered by insurance to have all screenings possible.I just do not understand this at all, it makes me mad as hell. Sorry.


    • Christina Heald
      Sep 22, 2009 @ 23:01:31

      THANK YOU ANGIE!!! This is exactly what I’m talking about. This is EXACTLY what I’m thinking!!! I’m going to have to break from the family doctor and go back to the gyno from now on. It was easier to kill two birds with one stone (yearly physical and pap w/ the family dr.), but it seems that I just need more specialized care and I’ll have to clear another date on my calendar to talk with her about an ultrasound. Yesterday, I was still really not feeling well. Tonight, I’ve had all day to process and I’m mad as hell also. I wish I could call a do-over. I want to start over with my doctors–or some of them–and I don’t want any previous doctors notes clouding their opinions. Is it possible to get the exact name of that ultrasound? I want to hit up my new onco man next week and see if he is really on my side. I find it so frustrating to assemble a team of doctors that will work WITH me. Don’t be sorry about anything. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Don’t worry if it’s something I don’t want to hear. Sometimes I need to have stuff that snaps me back into pro-active mode and out of woa-as-me mode. I get so frustrated at times and don’t want to bother anyone, really by telling them my thoughts because I don’t want to be a constant bummer, so when I sit down to blog, I find it filled with enough information to cause a glazed look in anyone’s eyes. I have to vent it,though. I have to get it out of my brain so I can try to sleep. I have to see if there’s anyone out there experiencing similar things and see if there’s any advice they can share. I am often amazed that other’s stories are more uplifting and positive and I am amazed that they have these great attitudes about everything. I must be emotionally stunted or something because, all this just pisses me off. I keep trying to get to the next stage in my grief process, but I seem to keep coming full circle back to the “mad’ phase. It’s stuff like this doctor visit that reopens exactly what pissed me off months ago. I thought that maybe enough time had passed since my last appoinment with her and maybe I was just being reactionary in the beginning. Nope. Got the same crap yesterday. Time for a change. It won’t be the first I’ve made this year. In fact, I don’t think I’ve posted that blog post yet. I’m still playing catch up. Thanks for the comment–I appreciate your support. cj


  3. Living in London
    Sep 23, 2009 @ 03:53:42

    Your comment about having bits cut out, preventively, really rings true for me. My mom had Stage 4 breast cancer, diagnosed at age 38, four years older than I am now. Since I was 20, I’ve thought that any shadow, any blip, and my boobs are off. I’m willing to make that sacrifice, because I don’t want my daughter to have to make the sacrifices I’ve made.

    I don’t know whether they’d listen to me, but I’ve been in cancer counselling since I was 19, so I’ve had time to think about it, even if I never get cancer. I’ve had my daughter, I’ve nursed her, and husband and I agree that we’d adopt if we wanted more kids. I say, take it out while you can, as long as it really is a rational and thought out decision.

    I understand that doctors are hesitant to do it, because those operations really are over-performed and shouldn’t be reactionary. Maybe you can strike a deal with your oncology team? Have an ultrasound now to make sure there’s nothing there, and talk about preventative surgical options once you’ve got an all-clear on the breast cancer.

    Re your insurance, this isn’t going to help you one bit, but I am so, so glad that we live in Europe now. If we get sick, any of us, with whatever, we don’t have to worry about medical coverage. It’s just there, which is where it should be. Our number one consideration in moving back to the States will be medical insurance, since husband has colon cancer on his side of the family too. Maybe your husband should consider emigrating to Canada, where they still need skilled workers? They’ve been handing those visas out like popcorn recently.


    • Christina Heald
      Sep 23, 2009 @ 11:17:19

      Can I ask, how is your mom? Good for you to have been in counseling since 19yr. old. I have my younger daughter seeing her school counselor weekly, but will need to find her an outside counselor to help her deal with stuff that the school one just can’t. I’m sure as head strong as both my girls are, they will look back on their mom’s frustrations in finding and putting together a “dream team” and be more vocal than I have been and as they grow older, they will always have breast cancer in the back of their minds. I’m soooo thankful the BRCA 1 & 2 genetic marker tests came back negative so at least they can rest much easier knowing they don’t carry that gene. Just mom–so–far in the immediate and extended family. I’m the enigma–the index.

      Maybe my gyno will be able to talk to me clearly about the advantages of a hysterectomy. Maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe plenty of women in my hsoes get by just fine without having it done. I can’t imagine how they manage each day though not knowing if its metastasized to the ovaries or uterus. Without an ultrasound–its too difficult to detect and by the time you do–you’re a goner. I don’t want to get that kind of whammy. I’m petrified of letting my guard down. If I breathe that sigh of relief, trust in the doctors when they tell me not to worry–then I’ll be whammied with another diagnosis. This has just been a terribly hard process for me. Thanks for your support.

      Jeff and I have been scouring the job listings at the Rock Island Arsenal for him. If he were to apply and get on with a government job–those have federal benefits with no pre-existing conditions for the family. Most of the jobs require a degree. Jeff graduated valedictorian of his class, but he went to a golf academy and the jobs for golf management are few and far between. I’m not sure her would go for getting a Visa, but I like how you think! I’ll definitely bring it up to him. Talk to you soon. cj


      • Living in London
        Sep 24, 2009 @ 03:14:56

        My mom had stage 4 breast cancer in 1983, with a tumour the size of a golfball which had metastized into her lymph nodes. She went through brutal and butchering treatments, which was all they did back then. But she pulled through out of sheer grit and determination. She died ten years later when I was 18, from a series of tumours on her spine and skull. It was a quick diagnosis and an even quicker death. I wish I could tell a different story, but that is hers.

        My mother told me once that the only reason she pulled through the breast cancer was because she couldn’t square with leaving me alone at the age of 8, as only child with a sometimes there/sometimes not father. When she died, I was 18 and she was extremely unhappy with her life. She couldn’t see a way out of where she was, couldn’t see what she would do when I went away to school, and that was that.

        I have a friend who was diagnosed with an inoperable, aggressive brain stem tumour when she was 26. They gave her six months to live, but she went through the treatments anyway. She fought hard for several years, through the steriods, the chemo, the radiation, the exhaustion, the narcolepsy. She’s 35 now and completely cancer free. She wanted to live and fought for it, and I think that’s what it boils down to sometimes- hope, faith and the unwavering determination to live.

        Your daughters will need more counselling when things have settled down. Children tend to keep it together during the illness and only lose it when the parents have moved through their grief/healing process. Also, most school counsellors aren’t equipped to deal with that kind of issue, but the social workers at the hospitals are, and they have better information and resources. Either that, or ask at the oncologists.

        take care, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the job hunting (among other things).


        • Christina Heald
          Sep 24, 2009 @ 08:38:48

          Ok–first things first–what IS your name? is it Kara? I’ve checked out your blog and I can see you and my cousin have a lot in common, but there’s no bio, no something to tell me a little about you. I know we’ve exchanged comments here back and forth, but I always feel odd if i can’t address it specifically to the person writing to me. If you want to share, I’d most appreciate it.

          Most importantly–I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. To lose a mother has to be a very difficult thing as a young girl. I hope while she was here, her star shone bright and now that she is gone it is even brighter in the heavens so you can look up and see it each evening. If its any consolation, I am glad she made it an additional 10 more years for you. It’s harder some days than most to overcome the emotional ups and downs as your going through this and being in the middle of it, I can imagine to some inkling of a degree how sorrow filled her thoughts must have been.

          I know attitude plays a huge part in overcoming or just learning how to live with cancer and for the most part, I really am pretty positive–even though it may not seem like it. It’s hard to see both sides of the coin daily if you don’t live with me or are in my immediate circle, but I do believe I am pulling through with a modicum of humor and if it weren’t for that, I would really be in trouble. My “hope, faith and determination to live” is another story. Yes I have all those things, but they seem to waver a lot. I would like more of a steadfast resolve. Its so hard to give up the way I was always doing certain things or the way I used to look and be ok with the drastic changes that have come this year. When I hear the phrase, “there are good days and there are bad days”, for me it isn’t in terms of my physical health as it has been in terms of my emotional health. So much change, so much stress, so much crap has been piled on all at once and even though I am determined each day to tackle the pile, its sooo overwhelming and exhausting and by the time I sit down to write lately, it has been when I am ready to throw in the towel. Perhaps I should write first thing in the morning instead of late at night? I’ll have to start trying that.

          I’m glad your friend is cancer free. I admire fierce determination and really wish I wouldn’t be so worried about all the details. It is a constant struggle for me. It’s definitely not my lack of wanting to live, but my fierce determination to fight the fact its even happening to me. I have to switch my thinking around, I know, because that is in my opinion, breeding apathy at times in myself. Much easier to wallow than to fight. Fighting takes more energy and I don’t always have that. However, since my physical Monday night, I have been waking up with a little more fire in my gut this week. I really hate people that tell me I can’t do something. It makes me want to do it more. Perhaps my cheerleaders need to taunt me with sarcastic comments to motivate me enough to take MORE action than I already am trying to take. My doctor’s visit last night was very promising, my workout last night was very uplifting, and there might be some promising news on the insurance homefront, but I don’t want to count my chickens too fast, so I’m not going to say anything yet. I’ll have to travel to our state capital in Des Moines, Iowa On October 3rd to meet and discuss some insurance related information that has just become available for childcare providers here–no pre-existing clause. Watch it come at a horrendous premium. Maybe this is the insurance miracle I was praying for? I don’t want to get my hopes too high (there’s my wavering at its best) and so I have to just put it out of my mind for now and ready myself for a trip. While I’m out west that weekend, I’ll travel 4 hours further and go see my daughter.

          It will be a busy weekend right before my accreditation observation, so it means I really need to get cracking on my list of “To-Do’s” so I can make the trip. Hopefully, our car will be fixed by then–I was forced off off he road two weeks ago in my hubby’s new car and it did quite a bit of damage. I slammed into the tall curb next to me as I swerved to getout of the way of a truck moving directly into the lane I was already in. Two weeks later–we’re still without it and the insurance companies are haggling it out. I’m just grateful noone was hurt.
          Come to think of it, I wonder if Jeff will even let me drive it anymore….it’s always something…


          • Living in London
            Sep 27, 2009 @ 13:40:40

            Hi, yes, my name is Kara. I’m 34, with husband and 4 yr old daughter. I am finishing up my PhD in bilingual education in the States, but we currently live in London. I blog about the Home Front and being a celiac, mostly. I prefer a degree of anomynity on the web, so I don’t usually share too much personal info for security reasons.

            I always wonder what I would do if I were diagnosed. I think I would just accept it, I mean, what else could you do? That’s my personality though, one step/ one breath at a time.

            Good luck with your accredidation too, I know what a boost that can be.

            Sorry this is such a short message, but I’m not much of an internet person on the weekend. Take care, and let me know about the insurance. I have definite feelings about access to health care, especially when people need life-saving treatment.

            Best, Kara


            • Christina Heald
              Oct 08, 2009 @ 15:51:22

              I am soooo jealous that you are finishing up on a PhD!!! That is quite an accomplishment and I have dreamed of having one myself, but it is hard to juggle all of it. I’ll get there slowly but surely someday. What are the languages you are studying? How is it with your condition? It has been hard for me to accept all the changes that have gone on this year. I have fought against them alot and yet, they continue to happen–there is no controlling some of the circumstances. Relinquishing that control has been my biggest battle and yet–I’m just not one to go down without a good fight. I have been thinking that I am going about the fight all wrong, though. Putting my eggs into the wrong basket. I’m sorting them out at the moment and regrouping. It’s been a long row for me to hoe. ttyl cj


  4. melanie
    Sep 27, 2009 @ 18:20:27

    You have always had my utmost respect for the level care, expertise, and love that you provide for children. I love that other people can observe, and therefore, learn from your passion.
    And in response to your comment on my blog, I would love to meet up next summer. If you can’t get away for a meet-up, we’ll come to you!


    • Christina Heald
      Oct 08, 2009 @ 16:12:58

      I sure do wish we lived closer! I wish you could come visit–the kids would love it! I wish we lived close enough to run across the street and have morning coffee together, go Walmart shopping together, and load all the kids in my big 12 passenger van and head off to the pool everyday! I want you to know, I have always admired your ability to homeschool your children. I think anyone that can do that and havetheir kids still like you–is definitely ok in my book. I have tried to teach the girls piano and am about to start in on Justin–who has expressed an interest, but I draw the line when the power struggles are just too much to handle. I give it over to someone else. Someone else’s kids always behave better for me than my own do–mine know exactly what buttons to push. Doesn’t that happen to you? I’ve always wondered. I think it would be so great to be able to share curriculum ideas with each other. I love talking to you–so please keep me in your loop!


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Started Tracking on 12-1-09


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