She’s B-a-a-c-k…

I’ve been working on a post for a week in between being down and out with a horrible chest cold/migraine combination. I found myself in bed between 5pm and 6pm every night last week and I am still working through a lingering cough that hurts my chest each time I feel that tickle in the back of my throat. Like Pavlov’s response, my chest muscle spasms at the mere thought of needing to cough. It hasn’t been too pleasant and I am trying to suppress those darn coughs, but to no avail. It has worn me out and since I am not finished with that post, I thought I’d at least pop in for a quickie update.

As I worked on last week’s post–well, more like a rant–and worked through my illness which came on suddenly during our trip out west to visit out daughter–I was able to manage in two doctor visits as well. The first was with my plastic surgeon for my 4th fill and that was on Tuesday. I am about halfway through the fill process and last week marked 400cc so far. This experience is very bizarre and I am just slightly larger ( I think) than my real Bo, now. I see him each week and actually, today will be my 5th fill visit and bringing the total to 450cc. I can’t wait to start posting those pictures, you all will be truly amazed at how far my body has chosen to cooperate!

On Wednesday, I had a folow-up with my general surgeon–the one who cut my boob off. I see him every 3 months and he was really impressed with how things are going and that I had chosen to go through with the additional surgeries. He said he has been following my reports from my onco-man and my plastic surgeon and everything is looking good. No news was really given about that mass found in my left ovary and I figure, if it was something to be worried about, someone would have called me by now. He taught me what to look for and feel for now that I will have an implant soon and for the first time since I’ve been going to him, he was pretty gentle in his groping. He usually digs in so deep that I am bruised for a week after, but I begged the nurse to talk to him before he came in and tell him I had just had surgery 5 weeks prior. I was really surprised he was accommodating to that request. He also ended our visit by telling me I would only need one more groping with him in 3 more months which will bring the date just past the one year anniversary mark since we met for the first time. When I think that he got further with me (second base) on our first date then my husband ever did, it makes me sad. The men that have felt me up this year–both experienced and unexperienced–has really frustrated me and at times pissed me off. The hardest thing was having to watch my hubby watch these strange men feel me up. We all knew it was in the name of medicine of course, but I really don’t blame Jeff for no longer coming along to the visits. It’s just got to be uncomfortable and weird.

When we were up to see our daughter, we were given news during our family session that she is doing really well. We worked on a home living contract for when she is released and we learned that she has earned a pass home for the holidays! We are thrilled and busy getting the house ready and plans to do some fun things. It means a shortened work week for me as I will need to take Wednesday off and drive myself up to get her and bring her home. She’ll be here for four days and then I will return on Sunday and take her back. If all goes well while she’s here and if she maintains her levels when she gets back, she could be released by Christmas. That would be fantastic! The keys to everything, her success, her future, everything are in her hands. I pray she is strong enough to start taking back the reigns to her life. I pray.

Jeff & Justin have been putting up the Christmas lights, and doing a lot of yard work. I have been working slowly through my cold and this weekend I trained to present a class at the Arsenal this weekend. I will take the class over and begin presenting on occasion. I love that! I am also working on 2008 taxes and starting in on 2009’s. I hate that! Jordan babysat this weekend and worked on homework and confirmation studies. We all are gearing up for a big Thanksgiving with Jeff’s family like we do every year. Saturday night we were given tickets to see the Holiday Pops concert given by our local symphony and it included a Cirque de Soleil type of experience. The performers were called Cirque de la Symphonie (hit the play button when you get to the preview video) and it really was an enjoyable and free family experience! On the way home from the show, I developed cramps in my abdomen. They were reminiscent of menstrual cramps, but that couldn’t be–could it? I haven’t had one since January 2009 and my onco-man has given me two hormone tests to see where I stood with regard to menopause.

The first time the test came back, I was borderline menopausal and he chalked it up to that. The last time I saw him, we took another blood sample and that eventually came back saying I was pre-menopausal–not borderline. What changed? Now the cramps on Saturday night? I wondered if it could be something else, but Sunday morning came and Aunt Flo came back just in time for the holidays. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Quite frankly, I don’t know what to think. Honestly, I’m worried all over. I was just beginning to let my guard down. Maybe that’s why its here again. I have always felt that ever since that initial diagnosis, the extreme freakout I have been living in as a result of that diagnosis ever since, my daughter’s health and well-being, my husband’s job situation, our mounting financial obligations to a myriad of medical facilities, the monumental stress had instantaneously shut down that monthly cycle.

It is true that extreme stress, certain health conditions, and certain medicines can stop Aunt Flo from showing up, but now–after 9 months of not having one–she’s back. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does it mean that it has just taken me 9 months to finally calm down–really? I don’t have the stress load from school, my mastectomy is behind me, the chemotherapy has been called off, my tests are beginning to look ok, my daughter is somewhere I can locate her and she is doing well. My head is getting back in the game of life and looking forward to new beginnings with next year, my outward self-image is looking up, and my accreditation is behind me along with several other re-certification processes. Could my body just be signaling me that I have successfully chilled out enough to resume its normal functioning?

But…what if…this is a sign that something isn’t right? The Tamoxifen is supposed to shut down production of my estrogen which was feeding my cancer. Could it be that the meds aren’t working? Am I still producing estrogen in spite of the meds? If I’m still producing estrogen, then I’m still ovulating, then I’m still having periods. What does that mean in terms of my prognosis? Should I get my period back? Should the meds prevent that from happening? I am confused and worried. I have two calls in to my onco-man. I’m waiting for someone to call me back. Has this happened to anyone out there? Can anyone tell me what’s going on? Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Maybe my body has finally expelled the last of the chemo drugs. I don’t know. I wish the phone would ring…

Advertisements

Sick and Tired

I have been under the weather for almost two weeks now. This past weekend I spent almost all of it in bed sleeping off this crud. I don’t know what it is and it tends to worry me. As much as I hate to see other family members ill, I’m really glad they all have what I have–it means, in a way, that this is probably not cancer related. It is just kicking me in the butt much harder than everyone else. Then Justin came home with a letter from his school saying that there was a confirmed case of H1N1 Flu present in his school. It really wigged me out. Lots of disinfecting, sanitizing, and handwashing going on here.

I had my yearly physical last night. I sat face to face with the woman who didn’t listen to my moans and groans for a year and just thought I was in need of Xanax or Prozac or both. I know she felt bad, but instead of rubbing it in, I just filled her in on how the year has gone. I wish I wouldn’t have been overtired and wiped out from my huge cold. It makes me more emotional and when she was asking me big questions, I just couldn’t help it, I started crying. God, I wish I wouldn’t have done that. Then, she thought she was right in her initial assessment of what kinds of medications I should be taking. That made me even more upset because why can’t someone just cry anymore without someone thinking they need to be in a doped up state just to relate to what’s going on in their lives. She has put me off to the nurse practitioner all year–since my diagnosis. I’ve been mad at this doctor for a year. Last night I was just too tired and feeling like crud to tell her how I felt about that. The one thing I was really hoping she would help me out on was my request to have an ultrasound done. She wouldn’t. I cried. Again.

Do I think I need an ultrasound? I don’t know. Do I want an ultrasound. Yes. I worry constantly about this metastasizing to my ovaries or my uterus. Pap smears only detect cervical cancer and I will admit–that as unpleasant as those exams are, there are worse things and usually they never bothered me much. Last night–my first one since all this has happened to me–was more anxiety-ridden than any other I had ever had. I had to sit on my hands so she wouldn’t see them shaking. What if? What if something comes back on that? It’s been 7 months since my initial diagnosis–what could happen in that time frame? I know the tumor that was found was said to be a grade three–most severe–even for as tiny as it was and that it was multiplying very rapidly. Could other radicals have found a host by now and be multiplying elsewhere?

Could it be that this is the reason why I am soooooo exhausted anymore? I just can’t believe that a few months ago I had been working and studying 20 hours a day and getting 4 hours of sleep–if I was lucky–every night for three years. Now I can barely see straight come 7pm.

Is my body once again growing and feeding some dragon inside me? Without anyone willing to let me have an ultrasound or pet scan–how will I ever know? I would just like ONE of each–a baseline–to know where I started and that way if I was feeling symptoms of something they would have a marker of where it has come from. Especially now–when Jeff may be losing his job and that will result in a loss of insurance benefits–which makes me pre-existing almost everywhere else. While I have the insurance–just let me do it! Why can’t the doctors code it so it doesn’t look like it was routine? Why does it have to be assumed to be–especially when the initial cancer diagnosis is the underlying reason for wanting one in the first place. I just don’t get it. It makes me so angry. It makes me cry, because I just don’t feel like I’m being heard or that I am just another cancer patient. Trying to “live my life” as my first oncologist told me to do is nearly impossible at times. Its not the same. I don’t think it ever will be no matter how hard I try to carry on with a smile on my face. It just masks the deep pain I feel over the unknown.

Then again–would I really want to know? What if the scans came back and I was glowing like a fire cracker? Would I really want to see that? Would that make me even more overemotional? Probably. But–why wait until you have symptoms–then it’s too late. Wouldn’t you want to know if you have a huge brain tumor or spots on your lungs, or tentacles wrapped around your ovaries? The quicker you can have surgery and cut it out–the better your chances–right? I know it all sounds irratic, but these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. It’s hard at times to forget, and I make it harder on myself when I don’t follow my nutrition regimine that my nutritionist has worked with me on all summer. Or when I forget to take my Tamoxifin. Major guilt trip. I feel like I have some sort of control with those things or with the exercising, but I am still partly in denial and not being consistent. I have not fully jumped on the bandwagon–I did early on, but now I am falling off and being drug by the cart. I know I need to recommit. I know.

Could it be the Tamoxifin that’s wiping me out? I know it has played a part in my early menopause and with that–could that be making me so tired? Speaking of the Tamoxifin, I tried to see if I could have the doctor’s office prescribe all 5 yrs. worth of meds. in advance. I am terrified that we won’t have insurance and I will not be able to even afford the cost of my prescriptions each month. I have no idea what the cost is, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right? So, I called there and I didn’t even think about the shelf life factor until the nurse pointed it out. She also really sounded odd and then she told me that they could only refill the Rx monthly so that individuals would be less inclined to sell the drugs elsewhere. Oh my gosh, great, now my oncologist’s office thinks I’m a pill pusher on the black market somewhere and I will be watched for that. It made me laugh in a way and then I realized that there are probably thousands of women in just the same boat I’m in–if not worse. Think about all the women in third world countries who don’t get the Tamoxifin. Then, I think about how I live in America and I will be considered pre-existing here pretty soon–unless an insurance miracle happens and Jeff gets a new job without a pre-existing condition clause.

Is it that it takes a very long time for your body to recover from chemo–(even though I only had one full treatment before becoming severely allergic and going into respiratory arrest)? how long does it take before your energy levels return? Do they?

Is my body fighting against something or just trying to still heal? I know 6 months later, my body is still not draining the lymphatic fluid correctly. Only two lymph nodes were taken out in surgery and my body should have, by now, compensated and learned how to move the fluid through my body. But it still pools under the scar tissue in my chest and it is painful. Weirdly–the whole top of my chest is numb–all the nerves severed, but deeper–around the muscle–it’s still terribly painful. How long will that last? Will it last forever? Is it my body trying to tell me to lay down and get vertical so the fluid can move better? Is my body just working overtime? I do worry about that lymphedema every day and knowing how its pooling in my chest doesn’t help my worries. The surgeon doesn’t seem too worried although in my 2nd followup with him two weeks ago, he was concerned about the continued pain factor I’m having. He didn’t suggest anything, though–so I guess I just live with it.

Will I ever feel the same?

Will my psoriasis ever go away? It seems to be worse these days and that was one of the first indications that I found that alerted me to something being wrong. I know stress exacerbates psoriasis and I am truly amazed I am not covered head to toe in the stuff. Be thankful its just on my elbows, right?

Is the constant stress of the cancer, my self-image, my oldest daughter, how everything is affecting my younger children, my husband’s impending job loss, the uncertainty that will bring to us financially, the loss of benefits, the mounting medical bills for me and for Jasmine, the stress on our marriage and all of our relationships just taking its toll and no amount of counseling can really fix ALL the triggers at this point?

Once this metastasizes–it is really hard to detect if it goes to the ovaries or to the uterus. Why can’t we just schedule a hysterectomy at this point. I’m really inwardly wigging out about this and even though my new oncologist doesn’t want to start “butchering” for no good reason especially when the genetic tests have all come back fairly positive–I can’t help but think–Isn’t cancer a good enough reason? I suppose if I wanted it done badly enough and threw a big enough temper tantrum–I’d get my way–but am I just being over reactional about it? If I’m no longer using the stuff–take it out. That’s three less places for this to land and I will know that I am not going to die from those associated cancers.

Sigh. Sometimes my brain gets so ramped up with these thoughts that they just spew out onto the page. I have to keep coming back to my bible to try to help quiet myself. My goal of self-quieting has been a hard one to tackle this year. I think it also gets revved up as my doctor visits start coming. I will go see the plastic surgeon tomorrow to talk about reconstruction–something I totally didn’t think I was ready for, but with the possibility of losing insurance and the fact that they will now pay for a boob job–I’m going to talk about the options. It may not even be an option, but I have to go and check it out or I will be mad at myself if I let the opportunity slip away. Next week, I see my oncologist for a 3 month check up. I hope we will look at bloodwork and see if anything shows up there. I don’t know what I should be asking him at this point because I just feel like everyone wants me to “live my life”. If any of you have any questions I should be mulling over for him, please let me know. I would welcome them whole heartedly.

I received my long awaited call from NAFCC (National Assoc. for Family Child Care) that my long overdue national accreditation observation is about to happen. I have been working on it for two years. I applied for the observation the end of December 2008. Normally, you should get a call between 4-6 weeks to schedule the observation. Here we are 9 months later and I will finally undergo this on October 6, 2009. They have been swamped since revising their re-accreditation standards and since I am a newbie, I guess, I was not a priority. I often think of what that would have been like should I have gotten that call within the normal time period. I was just getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I would not have been ready for that at all. Looking back, I really am surprised I made it through the summer and really glad that this observation is coming while the house is quieter. I guess I should be grateful that it is happening after my mastectomy, after all the big rowdy boys went off to school, after a regular naptime had been re-established for the little ones, and after my head came back from Bizarro World.

Since this call came through, I haven’t been able to think about too much else in the past week–including the cancer stuff and I have truly welcomed the break. It makes me realize that when I am working on something I’m passionate about, I get a lot accomplished————(Why can’t I get truly passionate about my cancer?)———- I’ve been going through all my checklists making sure all my T’s have been crossed and my i’s have been dotted. I have a book that takes me a few hours to get through each time because I am really focusing on doing my best. I have been through it several times and plan on several more read throughs. I spent all last week working on my parent teacher conferences and getting those in order. I was glad to get them all done so I could move on to more paperwork that has been lagging. I screwed up my classes this year, but I am not going to screw up this. I have worked too hard. I want to be able to look back on 2009 and know that despite the huge setback, I was able to accomplish this major accomplishment. Usually centers or schools or colleges are accredited. It isn’t that often that in-home providers become accredited. So, I am working day in and day out right now and everyone in my family has their very own honey-do lists. I’ll get there slowly, but surely and quite honestly, I’m ready–its just the details I’m going back for. Tons of details, but it will all come together.

I’ve also been allowing several college students studying at St. Ambrose Univ. to come tour my environment. This is good practice for me as they are able to give me fresh eyes. They are students studying to be teachers–how I wish I could go back to school–but I am not ready yet. Maybe next year. Maybe this is why I was supposed to ultimately take the break from my college courses this year. To ready myself for accreditation. To make sure my head was still in the game. I can honestly say that I was in a perfect position to give up on everything I had worked for professionally. Just chuck it and spend my days playing with my family. It was a summer where I was re-evaluating everything in my life and trying to figure out if things were still working or if they needed changing in some way or another. When I look at my chosen profession, I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love working with kids. I love where I work. I love the tools I get to work with! Some people provide child care as a means to an end, a temporary job while their own kids are young, but me–it really drives me. I absolutely love what I do and when I had really looked at all the reasons why I do what I do, I realized my head was ready to take on the observer that would come spend the day with me. If I could just shake this illness now…

We celebrated my son’s 6th birthday this past week. Time flies. I asked him what the best present he got was and he looked at me and told me it was me and that he was super happy I wasn’t dead. “Gee, thanks, babe–I love you too” is what I responded with. 🙂 I’m grateful I got to see him turn 6 and I am glad I’m not dead yet. Lord knows how I’ve worried over that all summer. So, I’m grateful I’m alive. I’ve survived my diagnosis for 7 months now. Almost a year. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

I have begun a Wellness class at the YMCA. It is 12 weeks of free personal training–2X/wk. for 1 1/2 hrs. each eve. The best part–its free! I get to work with a personal trainer for free for 12 weeks! I missed the first class because I was sick two weeks ago. I went to both classes last week and thought I was going to die each night. I began working on my WII fit on the off nights, but this cold/flu is really pulling me down. I am so happy for the outlet and MAKING ME a priority. I have met a handful of other breast cancer survivors that are in various stages of their disease or treatment and I just know that will be instrumental in my mental comeback. I think being able to dedicate time to working out will also help me release those endorphins I haven’t seen in a very long time which will help relax me, help me sleep better, make me feel like WANTING to recommit to my nutrition plan again, making me WANT to be more consistent with my med taking, and maybe inthe process, I will lose the 30 pounds I’ve tacked on. UUUGGGHHH! I am bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Jordan (she was the biggest baby)! Could it be the Tamoxifin that is helping me pack on the weight? I know that stress will pack on the weight also and I am surprised I’m not morbidly obese. The added weight make me more sluggish so, I have to lose it.

My other major concern is that I’ve been told that estrogen is stored in fat and since I’m sporting my own personal flotation device around my mid section these days–I need to find something to help me deflate it. I have to lose the weight–I worry every day that the hormone that is feeding my cancer is setting up shop and getting comfy in my fat. Ok–who am I kidding–I also want to lose the weight before my next class reunion next summer–I was so worried what everyone was going to think about my hair–now I just want to walk in and have everyone think, “wow, she looks great for having cancer”. I know. I know. Completely immature and shallow, but who wants to come back after 25 years looking like crap? Yes, I know all the stuff about the inner beauty, outer beauty, lasting beauty stuff, but when it comes right down to it, I really just hope that all my beauties are playing on a level field by then (and I really hope I drop 30 pounds!) :). I’ve run into a few friends from high school, they all happen to be nurses. They have all said I look good–my color is good and since they work with sick people all the time, they can tell when a person is sick. I guess I’ve got that going for me. Problem with that is–I’d rather have hair and a boob–omg–I just did it–I said something very generically–I take that back–let me be specific…

I’d rather have a headful of healthy, blonde, soft, stylishly coiffed hair that I could seductively whip around should I be in the mood for some lovin’, be able to pull it back when I’m feeling playful, and be able to run my fingers through it to tousle it and have that wind blown look that most women dream of. And–I’d rather have two boobs–the same size–preferably a little lifted and energized looking with a natural looking nipple tattooed on the new one. I used to wonder about having bigger boobs and although I wouldn’t mind them a tad larger, I’d now just be happy to look like I did. So a perky 34B would be great. Afterall, it’s not the size–it’s how you package them! I think that’s it–have I forgotten anything? Please feel free to let me know if that wish needs a little more something something. I will be checking out the silicone stockroom tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Started Tracking on 12-1-09

kvphotobug.com

The life and musings of a passionate photographer

GreatBigBeautifulTomorrow

Just a nerdy History major and Cosmetologist with a love of all things vintage and a passion for books

bodyandsoulnourishmentblog

Welcome to my site to find inspiration and nourishment for the body and soul

my alaskan odyssey

when you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

Go Circa Mundi

Every Exit is an Entry

andymcoaching

Canoe and kayak coaching for the aspiring paddlesport enthusiast

A wee walk

brian and martina's outdoor blog

A Sense of Place

Ronnie Hughes

Exit Booted

a travel blog by tokyoaaron

The Paddler ezine

Magazine for white water, sea and expedition kayaking and canoeing paddlers

Kayakwriter's Blog

Writing and photography on the outdoors, sea kayaking, camping and dogs.

souzzchef

Adventures in food, travel, and backcountry kitchens

The Impatient Traveler

Impatiently awaiting the next adventure

travailsonatandemwithboo

Father and daughter cycling duo swapping pedals for paddles to kayak the length of the longest lakes of Wales, England and Scotland.

from victory road

a journey of faith, art, and life

Ticket to Adventures

Travel blog from around the world, near and far.

The Wallflower Wanderer

The true adventures of a timid world traveler

%d bloggers like this: