Pink at the Rink

This past Saturday, November 6, 2010, the IWireless Center here in Moline, IL turned the rink pink for a night for Quad City Mallards hockey game to raise awareness for breast cancer awareness. Anyone that has or has had breast cancer was eligible for free tickets. Since I have only ever been to one hockey game in my life, and since my kids have never been, I quickly contacted Genesis to be put on their mailing list. Here’s the clipping from the Quad City Times Online paper:

“Pink In The Rink” will benefit Genesis Foundation for breast cancer patients
Posted Online: Oct. 04, 2010, 12:46 pm
Comment on this story | Print this story | Email this story

Press release submitted by Quad City Mallards

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Oct. 1, 2010 — The Quad City Mallards, Genesis Medical Center and Cumulus Media will team up to support breast cancer awareness with “Pink In The Rink” night in the I wireless Center on Saturday, November 6 when the Mallards host the Bloomington Prairie Thunder.

The Mallards’ players will wear special pink jerseys during the November 6 game. The game-worn jerseys will be auctioned after the game with proceeds benefitting the Genesis Health Services Foundation.

“We feel privileged to be able to work together with Genesis Health System and Cumulus Media on Pink in the Rink Night,” said Mallards President Chris Presson. “The chance to aid a cause as important as the Genesis Health Services Foundation is one we are very happy to embrace.”

The first 1,000 fans through the doors will receive pink caps and breast cancer survivors will receive free tickets to the game, as supplies last.

Cumulus Media will provide media support for the event. “We are honored to be part of such a great event and important cause”, said Cheryl Riley, Market Manager for Cumulus Media. “Every ticket sold thru our media efforts will result in a $2 donation going to the Genesis Health Services Foundation, so we will be reminding our listeners to support the November 6 game.”

There will also be breast cancer information available at a concourse display throughout the evening.

“This year Genesis will treat 300 women with breast cancer and will provide nearly 30,000 screenings or diagnostic procedures,” explained Flo Spyrow, Vice President, Genesis Health System. “Breast cancer remains one of the most important women’s health issues facing all of us in the future and having the resources to provide access to screening for all women remains a goal of Genesis.”

Patients of the Kenneth H. McKay, M.D., Center For Breast Health have access to the latest diagnostic and screening tools in the region. The center also provides women with a skilled team of experts in various specialties, including family practice, radiology, surgery and social and emotional support.

Genesis participates in clinical trials on an ongoing basis. Those trials allow women with breast cancer to receive the latest treatment while being able to remain close to their homes.

“Genesis and the Quad City Mallards organization have been partners for many years. The loyal fans of the Mallards have allowed us to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars to support the Genesis Health Services Foundation and its projects that benefit patients throughout the region,” said Craig Cooper, Media Relations Coordinator, Genesis Health System. “We look forward to this next partnership that should be a lot of fun for fans.

“We hope the entire i wireless Center looks pink on November 6 to again raise awareness for the issue of breast health.”

It was just a short year and a half ago that I would have given the middle finger up to anything that would try to make me part of some elite club. I didn’t want to even associate myself with the disease, was pissed as hell that I had it, or that others would also hear those words in their lifetime. I have worked through a lot of my anger–slowly and have realized a couple things. Bad shit happens to Good people. Period. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Deal with it. Man up. Quit whining. The only way for me to do that was to dive back into where I just spent a good year clawing desperately to get out. It’s that all or nothing part of me I talked about in the last post. So, when I hear of local events that promote breast health–my ears perk up. When I see a pink ribbon somewhere, in the paper, a magazine, a billboard, or on a pair of socks, shoelaces, shirt or even tattoed on someone’s skin–I pause. If it has to do with a person–I go up to them and talk to them. I ask if they wear that badge in honor or memory of someone. I listen. I watch that person’s eyes light up for a moment in gratitude that someone would want to hear about their loved one. Sometimes, that’s all a person needs. That way, the memory of that loved one has not gone unnoticed.

Anyway–I received my tickets and began making plans for the family to have a night out enjoying a sporting event (one that we wouldn’t normally have chosen to go to). I was excited to see the rink turn pink like in this picture:

I went shopping at our local Goodwill store for pink shirts for everyone to wear. I love that place and sometimes its a curse that I live so close to it! I almost always find exactly what I’m looking for–for pennies on the dollar. This trip was no exception–super soft sweater for me, a fleece pullover for Justin and a brand new (tags still on) pink Ralph Lauren Polo with navy blue trim on the sleeves and collar for Jeff. Jordan said she already had something so for less than $10, we were now outfitted to go pink at the rink! Once I got home, I learned that Jeff was not going to be going with. Don’t get me started…I mean, I know he doesn’t care for hockey and that he had a ton of work to do or homework to do (I sent him back to college this semester on my dime after I took the semester off so), but I have never been into hockey either and that’s not what it was about. It wasn’t even about the pink thing–it was just an hour of family time, and I had secured free tickets for all of us and now he didn’t want to participate–for just an HOUR. I was bummed, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my night out, so we went without him. We actually had a really good time, but we were all bummed that our ice was not pink.

Wish the ice would have been pink!

Justin forgot about wearing a "girl's" pullover once the popcorn was bought!

When I go to events like this, I am surrounded by women and children and families big and small that have been affected by cancer. There is an unspoken acknowledgement of each other as we briefly meet each other’s gaze in passing. Some nod, some smile, some look tired or worn out from the chemo, some are happy to be enjoying a night out with their families, some are oblivious, –but the magnitude of the cause remains the constant. Silent auctions for team member’s pink ribboned emblazoned jerseys were going on, T-shirts were being sold, information booths stood vigil. I was happy to be there with my kids. I was happy to have gotten free tickets. I was happy to see the look on my little boy’s face when I bought him own LARGE popcorn–his very own–and he squeezed my hand and told me, “Mommy, I love you soooooo much! Thank You!!” That’s all it took–for him to forget the argument we had had earlier about wearing a pink “girl’s” fleece pullover despite me countering with “Lots of guys wear pink!”. It was all it took for me to be reminded once again, that I am just exactly where I am supposed to be in this circle of life–sitting in a nosebleed section trying to get my camera to focus on a macro mode, hanging with my kids on a Saturday night. I just wish the other two members of my family would feel the same and would have been with me as well, but I take what I can get these days and try to feel grateful for those moments when they come. I just wish they’d come more often.

Advertisements

Sick and Tired

I have been under the weather for almost two weeks now. This past weekend I spent almost all of it in bed sleeping off this crud. I don’t know what it is and it tends to worry me. As much as I hate to see other family members ill, I’m really glad they all have what I have–it means, in a way, that this is probably not cancer related. It is just kicking me in the butt much harder than everyone else. Then Justin came home with a letter from his school saying that there was a confirmed case of H1N1 Flu present in his school. It really wigged me out. Lots of disinfecting, sanitizing, and handwashing going on here.

I had my yearly physical last night. I sat face to face with the woman who didn’t listen to my moans and groans for a year and just thought I was in need of Xanax or Prozac or both. I know she felt bad, but instead of rubbing it in, I just filled her in on how the year has gone. I wish I wouldn’t have been overtired and wiped out from my huge cold. It makes me more emotional and when she was asking me big questions, I just couldn’t help it, I started crying. God, I wish I wouldn’t have done that. Then, she thought she was right in her initial assessment of what kinds of medications I should be taking. That made me even more upset because why can’t someone just cry anymore without someone thinking they need to be in a doped up state just to relate to what’s going on in their lives. She has put me off to the nurse practitioner all year–since my diagnosis. I’ve been mad at this doctor for a year. Last night I was just too tired and feeling like crud to tell her how I felt about that. The one thing I was really hoping she would help me out on was my request to have an ultrasound done. She wouldn’t. I cried. Again.

Do I think I need an ultrasound? I don’t know. Do I want an ultrasound. Yes. I worry constantly about this metastasizing to my ovaries or my uterus. Pap smears only detect cervical cancer and I will admit–that as unpleasant as those exams are, there are worse things and usually they never bothered me much. Last night–my first one since all this has happened to me–was more anxiety-ridden than any other I had ever had. I had to sit on my hands so she wouldn’t see them shaking. What if? What if something comes back on that? It’s been 7 months since my initial diagnosis–what could happen in that time frame? I know the tumor that was found was said to be a grade three–most severe–even for as tiny as it was and that it was multiplying very rapidly. Could other radicals have found a host by now and be multiplying elsewhere?

Could it be that this is the reason why I am soooooo exhausted anymore? I just can’t believe that a few months ago I had been working and studying 20 hours a day and getting 4 hours of sleep–if I was lucky–every night for three years. Now I can barely see straight come 7pm.

Is my body once again growing and feeding some dragon inside me? Without anyone willing to let me have an ultrasound or pet scan–how will I ever know? I would just like ONE of each–a baseline–to know where I started and that way if I was feeling symptoms of something they would have a marker of where it has come from. Especially now–when Jeff may be losing his job and that will result in a loss of insurance benefits–which makes me pre-existing almost everywhere else. While I have the insurance–just let me do it! Why can’t the doctors code it so it doesn’t look like it was routine? Why does it have to be assumed to be–especially when the initial cancer diagnosis is the underlying reason for wanting one in the first place. I just don’t get it. It makes me so angry. It makes me cry, because I just don’t feel like I’m being heard or that I am just another cancer patient. Trying to “live my life” as my first oncologist told me to do is nearly impossible at times. Its not the same. I don’t think it ever will be no matter how hard I try to carry on with a smile on my face. It just masks the deep pain I feel over the unknown.

Then again–would I really want to know? What if the scans came back and I was glowing like a fire cracker? Would I really want to see that? Would that make me even more overemotional? Probably. But–why wait until you have symptoms–then it’s too late. Wouldn’t you want to know if you have a huge brain tumor or spots on your lungs, or tentacles wrapped around your ovaries? The quicker you can have surgery and cut it out–the better your chances–right? I know it all sounds irratic, but these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. It’s hard at times to forget, and I make it harder on myself when I don’t follow my nutrition regimine that my nutritionist has worked with me on all summer. Or when I forget to take my Tamoxifin. Major guilt trip. I feel like I have some sort of control with those things or with the exercising, but I am still partly in denial and not being consistent. I have not fully jumped on the bandwagon–I did early on, but now I am falling off and being drug by the cart. I know I need to recommit. I know.

Could it be the Tamoxifin that’s wiping me out? I know it has played a part in my early menopause and with that–could that be making me so tired? Speaking of the Tamoxifin, I tried to see if I could have the doctor’s office prescribe all 5 yrs. worth of meds. in advance. I am terrified that we won’t have insurance and I will not be able to even afford the cost of my prescriptions each month. I have no idea what the cost is, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right? So, I called there and I didn’t even think about the shelf life factor until the nurse pointed it out. She also really sounded odd and then she told me that they could only refill the Rx monthly so that individuals would be less inclined to sell the drugs elsewhere. Oh my gosh, great, now my oncologist’s office thinks I’m a pill pusher on the black market somewhere and I will be watched for that. It made me laugh in a way and then I realized that there are probably thousands of women in just the same boat I’m in–if not worse. Think about all the women in third world countries who don’t get the Tamoxifin. Then, I think about how I live in America and I will be considered pre-existing here pretty soon–unless an insurance miracle happens and Jeff gets a new job without a pre-existing condition clause.

Is it that it takes a very long time for your body to recover from chemo–(even though I only had one full treatment before becoming severely allergic and going into respiratory arrest)? how long does it take before your energy levels return? Do they?

Is my body fighting against something or just trying to still heal? I know 6 months later, my body is still not draining the lymphatic fluid correctly. Only two lymph nodes were taken out in surgery and my body should have, by now, compensated and learned how to move the fluid through my body. But it still pools under the scar tissue in my chest and it is painful. Weirdly–the whole top of my chest is numb–all the nerves severed, but deeper–around the muscle–it’s still terribly painful. How long will that last? Will it last forever? Is it my body trying to tell me to lay down and get vertical so the fluid can move better? Is my body just working overtime? I do worry about that lymphedema every day and knowing how its pooling in my chest doesn’t help my worries. The surgeon doesn’t seem too worried although in my 2nd followup with him two weeks ago, he was concerned about the continued pain factor I’m having. He didn’t suggest anything, though–so I guess I just live with it.

Will I ever feel the same?

Will my psoriasis ever go away? It seems to be worse these days and that was one of the first indications that I found that alerted me to something being wrong. I know stress exacerbates psoriasis and I am truly amazed I am not covered head to toe in the stuff. Be thankful its just on my elbows, right?

Is the constant stress of the cancer, my self-image, my oldest daughter, how everything is affecting my younger children, my husband’s impending job loss, the uncertainty that will bring to us financially, the loss of benefits, the mounting medical bills for me and for Jasmine, the stress on our marriage and all of our relationships just taking its toll and no amount of counseling can really fix ALL the triggers at this point?

Once this metastasizes–it is really hard to detect if it goes to the ovaries or to the uterus. Why can’t we just schedule a hysterectomy at this point. I’m really inwardly wigging out about this and even though my new oncologist doesn’t want to start “butchering” for no good reason especially when the genetic tests have all come back fairly positive–I can’t help but think–Isn’t cancer a good enough reason? I suppose if I wanted it done badly enough and threw a big enough temper tantrum–I’d get my way–but am I just being over reactional about it? If I’m no longer using the stuff–take it out. That’s three less places for this to land and I will know that I am not going to die from those associated cancers.

Sigh. Sometimes my brain gets so ramped up with these thoughts that they just spew out onto the page. I have to keep coming back to my bible to try to help quiet myself. My goal of self-quieting has been a hard one to tackle this year. I think it also gets revved up as my doctor visits start coming. I will go see the plastic surgeon tomorrow to talk about reconstruction–something I totally didn’t think I was ready for, but with the possibility of losing insurance and the fact that they will now pay for a boob job–I’m going to talk about the options. It may not even be an option, but I have to go and check it out or I will be mad at myself if I let the opportunity slip away. Next week, I see my oncologist for a 3 month check up. I hope we will look at bloodwork and see if anything shows up there. I don’t know what I should be asking him at this point because I just feel like everyone wants me to “live my life”. If any of you have any questions I should be mulling over for him, please let me know. I would welcome them whole heartedly.

I received my long awaited call from NAFCC (National Assoc. for Family Child Care) that my long overdue national accreditation observation is about to happen. I have been working on it for two years. I applied for the observation the end of December 2008. Normally, you should get a call between 4-6 weeks to schedule the observation. Here we are 9 months later and I will finally undergo this on October 6, 2009. They have been swamped since revising their re-accreditation standards and since I am a newbie, I guess, I was not a priority. I often think of what that would have been like should I have gotten that call within the normal time period. I was just getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I would not have been ready for that at all. Looking back, I really am surprised I made it through the summer and really glad that this observation is coming while the house is quieter. I guess I should be grateful that it is happening after my mastectomy, after all the big rowdy boys went off to school, after a regular naptime had been re-established for the little ones, and after my head came back from Bizarro World.

Since this call came through, I haven’t been able to think about too much else in the past week–including the cancer stuff and I have truly welcomed the break. It makes me realize that when I am working on something I’m passionate about, I get a lot accomplished————(Why can’t I get truly passionate about my cancer?)———- I’ve been going through all my checklists making sure all my T’s have been crossed and my i’s have been dotted. I have a book that takes me a few hours to get through each time because I am really focusing on doing my best. I have been through it several times and plan on several more read throughs. I spent all last week working on my parent teacher conferences and getting those in order. I was glad to get them all done so I could move on to more paperwork that has been lagging. I screwed up my classes this year, but I am not going to screw up this. I have worked too hard. I want to be able to look back on 2009 and know that despite the huge setback, I was able to accomplish this major accomplishment. Usually centers or schools or colleges are accredited. It isn’t that often that in-home providers become accredited. So, I am working day in and day out right now and everyone in my family has their very own honey-do lists. I’ll get there slowly, but surely and quite honestly, I’m ready–its just the details I’m going back for. Tons of details, but it will all come together.

I’ve also been allowing several college students studying at St. Ambrose Univ. to come tour my environment. This is good practice for me as they are able to give me fresh eyes. They are students studying to be teachers–how I wish I could go back to school–but I am not ready yet. Maybe next year. Maybe this is why I was supposed to ultimately take the break from my college courses this year. To ready myself for accreditation. To make sure my head was still in the game. I can honestly say that I was in a perfect position to give up on everything I had worked for professionally. Just chuck it and spend my days playing with my family. It was a summer where I was re-evaluating everything in my life and trying to figure out if things were still working or if they needed changing in some way or another. When I look at my chosen profession, I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love working with kids. I love where I work. I love the tools I get to work with! Some people provide child care as a means to an end, a temporary job while their own kids are young, but me–it really drives me. I absolutely love what I do and when I had really looked at all the reasons why I do what I do, I realized my head was ready to take on the observer that would come spend the day with me. If I could just shake this illness now…

We celebrated my son’s 6th birthday this past week. Time flies. I asked him what the best present he got was and he looked at me and told me it was me and that he was super happy I wasn’t dead. “Gee, thanks, babe–I love you too” is what I responded with. ūüôā I’m grateful I got to see him turn 6 and I am glad I’m not dead yet. Lord knows how I’ve worried over that all summer. So, I’m grateful I’m alive. I’ve survived my diagnosis for 7 months now. Almost a year. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

I have begun a Wellness class at the YMCA. It is 12 weeks of free personal training–2X/wk. for 1 1/2 hrs. each eve. The best part–its free! I get to work with a personal trainer for free for 12 weeks! I missed the first class because I was sick two weeks ago. I went to both classes last week and thought I was going to die each night. I began working on my WII fit on the off nights, but this cold/flu is really pulling me down. I am so happy for the outlet and MAKING ME a priority. I have met a handful of other breast cancer survivors that are in various stages of their disease or treatment and I just know that will be instrumental in my mental comeback. I think being able to dedicate time to working out will also help me release those endorphins I haven’t seen in a very long time which will help relax me, help me sleep better, make me feel like WANTING to recommit to my nutrition plan again, making me WANT to be more consistent with my med taking, and maybe inthe process, I will lose the 30 pounds I’ve tacked on. UUUGGGHHH! I am bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Jordan (she was the biggest baby)! Could it be the Tamoxifin that is helping me pack on the weight? I know that stress will pack on the weight also and I am surprised I’m not morbidly obese. The added weight make me more sluggish so, I have to lose it.

My other major concern is that I’ve been told that estrogen is stored in fat and since I’m sporting my own personal flotation device around my mid section these days–I need to find something to help me deflate it. I have to lose the weight–I worry every day that the hormone that is feeding my cancer is setting up shop and getting comfy in my fat. Ok–who am I kidding–I also want to lose the weight before my next class reunion next summer–I was so worried what everyone was going to think about my hair–now I just want to walk in and have everyone think, “wow, she looks great for having cancer”. I know. I know. Completely immature and shallow, but who wants to come back after 25 years looking like crap? Yes, I know all the stuff about the inner beauty, outer beauty, lasting beauty stuff, but when it comes right down to it, I really just hope that all my beauties are playing on a level field by then (and I really hope I drop 30 pounds!) :). I’ve run into a few friends from high school, they all happen to be nurses. They have all said I look good–my color is good and since they work with sick people all the time, they can tell when a person is sick. I guess I’ve got that going for me. Problem with that is–I’d rather have hair and a boob–omg–I just did it–I said something very generically–I take that back–let me be specific…

I’d rather have a headful of healthy, blonde, soft, stylishly coiffed hair that I could seductively whip around should I be in the mood for some lovin’, be able to pull it back when I’m feeling playful, and be able to run my fingers through it to tousle it and have that wind blown look that most women dream of. And–I’d rather have two boobs–the same size–preferably a little lifted and energized looking with a natural looking nipple tattooed on the new one. I used to wonder about having bigger boobs and although I wouldn’t mind them a tad larger, I’d now just be happy to look like I did. So a perky 34B would be great. Afterall, it’s not the size–it’s how you package them! I think that’s it–have I forgotten anything? Please feel free to let me know if that wish needs a little more something something. I will be checking out the silicone stockroom tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Heartfelt Thanks…

I am overwhelmed.¬† I can’t think straight.¬† My world seems to be spinning into outer space.¬† I have so much to write.¬† So little time.¬† I have so many demands on me right now, I can’t breathe.¬† I can’t sleep.¬† I can’t eat.¬† I have so much to say, so much to purge, so much to vomit up onto my computer screen, but the countdown is on.¬† I want so badly to catch up and make sense of what is happening to me and around me.¬† I want to wake up from this nightmare and know that this is not really happening.¬† But that will never happen.

What I want to do more than anything is thank everyone for all their prayers.¬† All the kind words, the encouraging remarks, the laughter, the hugs, the hand holding-in spirit and in person.¬† I have wanted to respond to each and everyone one of you that has posted comments.¬† If I make it out of this, I will–I promise.¬† I can’t tell you how much it has meant in my darkest moments to come back and know that there is goodness and kindness in this world that will come from complete strangers and those that have been there the whole way with me.¬† I want you all to know that I am deeply humbled and grateful to have this outlet to release my frustration, fears, newfound wisdom, and if for some reason, someone out there should find it helpful in anyway, or can relate to my story in any way, or it provokes someone out there to go get a mammogram–then it was worth the hours of writing through blurred and tear filled eyes to get my thoughts out.¬†

The story has continued, it is still compelling, it is still heartwrenching, it is still worth me telling.¬† However, my life has become filled with distractions along the way and has caused me even greater heartache.¬† My oldest daughter has run away from home again.¬† This time, I fear for good.¬† The subject is so intertwined with what is happening to me, I have not been able to seperate one from the other and since this was a blog about my journey with cancer, I have found it difficult to concentrate on even this because all my energy has been going to her.¬† It has torn my family apart, it has caused so much sorrow and I have had deep flashbacks to my childhood when my own sister ran away.¬† Those feelings are much a part of me all over again, and the pain is raw and real.¬† I force through my days right now, carrying out my cheery duties of¬† “Tina”, daycare provider and¬†Mom–of a runaway, a daughter who will turn 13 (a teenager) on this Wed., March 18, 2009, and a 5 yr. old that is having trouble dealing with what is happening to his mommy.¬† I have a limited relationship with my husband at the moment, and have decided it was time for me to grab the life raft my pastor has thrown out to me.¬† I have joined a bible study, bought a new bible, and have been overwhelmed at the messages and signs that have been coming at me lately.

I have been honored¬†this past Wednesday¬†at our state capitol for community excellence in my profession and I could not be more thrilled to be at the top of my game in that aspect.¬† The price of that is taking its toll, on my family, my education, and my health, however.¬† I am trying, but as hard as I try, more demands keep cropping up despite my attempts to delegate them off somewhere else.¬† I feel as though many are just as secretly terrified that something is going to go wrong and heaven forbid I don’t get everything all done before I should kick the bucket or be incapacitated for several weeks.¬† My accountant is one of those people.¬† She got really upset when I said I would need an extension for taxes.¬† I just don’t have the time or energy to put into it right now.¬† Isn’t there a joke about how there’s only two things you are guaranteed in life–taxes, and death…well, my accountant must swear by that rule of thumb and wants to make sure I pay mine, if necessary, just in case…

I also have a class I can’t keep up with no matter how hard I try and I think I just need to withdraw instead of screwing up my GPA.¬† I have one teacher who is also not friendly at all and is unsympathetic to the fact that I will be having surgery or that I will be unable to do anything for about a week.¬† I have checked into voice recognition software, but its EXPENSIVE and I just can’t afford it, so maybe I could get a friend to type while I dictate.¬† More than anything, I just want to sit and write.¬† I need to relieve myself of this burden I’ve been carrying.¬† I’ve been swamped with midterms, doctor appointments, and information overload.¬† Even though, I pray there will be more time in the future to really lay out my chronological account of events, what it all boils down to is this…

I am having a radical mastectomy on Thursday, March, 19, 2009. 

This has all come up as of today.¬† I knew it was a card on the table.¬† I prayed someone would call the surgeon’s bluff.¬† I prayed I would see some hint that his poker face was just a bunch of B.S.¬† I was wrong. I will have the full story I hope and pray soon.¬† Right now, I can’t think, I am emotionally spent and physically exhausted.¬† This is happening.¬† There is no ace up my sleeve.¬† There is no trump card.¬† I can’t throw my cards in and ask for all new ones.¬† I have to play this hand out.¬† I would rather be playing strip poker in front of thousands then have to undergo this process, though.¬† Maybe….that is what I am doing by writing this blog, now that I think about it.¬† I am stripping off the layers…that have covered up all sorts of yucky character traits…in a way that would leave me exposed to thousands…of strangers as well as friends…and strangers that may become my friends.¬† How I wish I could explore this concept fully in my mind and round out my thoughts right now.¬† I am just too scared and tired to do that right now.¬† I just can’t believe this is happening.

I don’t know if I will be able to check in for some time.¬† I don’t know what will happen on Thursday.¬† I don’t know if¬† things will all go well.¬† I pray it does.¬† I am asking for you to stop and say a prayer, for me and for my family–I’m not picky–any denomination will do.¬† If you would all say a prayer for my daughter, Jasmine, that she may see the light and run toward it and away from those that have pulled her down;¬† for¬†my daughter, Jordan, who is terrified that she will lose her mom the day after her birthday; for my little boy, Justin, that he won’t be so scared and worried that God is coming to get me; and for Jeff, that he has the strength and stamina to keep up with these kids and sees to it they are well taken care of should something happen or while I am laid up.¬† If I don’t ever make it back on, thanks for listening, caring, praying, loving, and thinking of me and my family.¬† Thanks for stopping in–for a long time, or just for a peak.¬† Thanks for commenting–I’ll leave my husband the password to get in–maybe words of encouragement would help them all get through what lies ahead.¬† And if I do make it out of this, be sure to check back, you’ll be in for one hell of a read.¬† You’ll never believe what has transpired in the past couple weeks while I’ve been away.¬† I can’t believe it myself.

I pray that God will see me through this safely and that I shall be called truly, in time, Mrs. Heald.¬†¬†How prophetic that seems now, looking back.¬† Little did I know 20 years ago, that my husband’s name would be my biggest sign.¬† Its funny, I have such a low voice that whenever someone would ask me my name over the phone, they would never be able to quite catch the pronunciation.¬† I would have to spell it out–“H as in Harry, E as in elephant, A as in Alice, L as in Larry, and D as in David–like I was HURT but now I am HEALD”¬† I have actually said that thousands of times.¬† What a huge misguided sign that was.¬† I have been hurt, but I haven’t been healed–YET.¬† I married a man that would be all I should ever hope to become, in body, mind, and spirit.¬† Jeff, I love you.¬† Jasmine, Jordan, Justin…I love you more than you will ever know, forever and ever, with all my heart and soul…Mommy

Started Tracking on 12-1-09

kvphotobug.com

The life and musings of a passionate photographer

GreatBigBeautifulTomorrow

Just a nerdy History major and Cosmetologist with a love of all things vintage and a passion for books

bodyandsoulnourishmentblog

Welcome to my site to find inspiration and nourishment for the body and soul

my alaskan odyssey

when you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

Go Circa Mundi

Every Exit is an Entry

andymcoaching

Canoe and kayak coaching for the aspiring paddlesport enthusiast

A wee walk

brian and martina's outdoor blog

a sense of place

Ronnie Hughes

Exit Booted

a travel blog by tokyoaaron

The Paddler ezine

Magazine for white water, sea and expedition kayaking and canoeing paddlers

Kayakwriter's Blog

Writing and photography on the outdoors, sea kayaking, camping and dogs.

souzzchef

Adventures in food, travel, and backcountry kitchens

The Impatient Traveler

Impatiently awaiting the next adventure

travailsonatandemwithboo

Father and daughter cycling duo swapping pedals for paddles to kayak the length of the longest lakes of Wales, England and Scotland.

from victory road

a journey of faith, art, and life

Ticket to Adventures

Travel blog from around the world, near and far.

The Wallflower Wanderer

The true adventures of a timid world traveler

%d bloggers like this: